NEW YORK, NY – Super Bowl XLVIII (which is both a roman numeral and Rob Ryan’s underwear size) is only days away and New Yorkers are so excited about this spirited match-up between two teams from completely different solar systems than our own that we can hardly contain our collective narcolepsy. Nevertheless the SB hype machine is in full swing with all kinds of really dumb sh*t to avoid at all costs all over town. Hear me now! Don’t give the NFL one more dime of your money. On Tuesday scads of single-celled pond scum were paying 30 bucks a pop to sit in the stands and watch (watch!) Media Day in… Newark (Newark!). Anyway, other than steering clear of of the lead-up crap, the only things left to do are secure at least one box in a Super Bowl pool (for entertainment purposes only) and figure out where you’re going to watch the game. Here are a few options and what they could possibly mean.
The Family Guy. There’s nothing wrong with settling down with your nearest and dearest to watch the Super Bowl… unless we’re talking kids eight years and under, in which case all bets are f***ing off. You cannot possibly watch a big-time sporting event with a bunch of lunatics running around grinding Doritos into your carpet like a pack of sugared-up, sawed-off Flamenco dancers. Unless you’re a monster you can also forget about drinking your face off and cursing like a sailor. Nope, with kiddies involved, this one is strictly for the Kurt Warners’ and Ned Flanders’ of the world.
The Ticket Holder. Wait, you have tickets to the game? Seriously? Well you must be some kind of insane Seahawks or Broncos fan and took out another mortgage on your house, right? You’re not? Well then, I’m sorry to say that you’re either some rich douche who knows nothing about football or some middle-corporate mongoloid who scored tickets through your company and knows even less about football. Either way, you haven’t figured out that it’s way better to watch the game just about anywhere but at the game. Have fun waiting in line to go the bathroom.
Sports Bar Schmuck. There’s very little margin for error when it comes to watching the Super Bowl in a bar. First things first, all chain sports bars (Buffalo Wild Wings, Hooters, etc.) are strictly off limits. They will be packed with nothing but loud, obnoxious, and mostly-friendless rabble wearing all manner of stupid football jerseys. The problem is, on Super Sunday, most other bars try to turn themselves into chain sports bars by charging an entrance fee and serving mostly-awful food to the very same aforementioned rabble. You might have a cool neighborhood joint where you know the regulars and could have a good time watching the game but it’s really not worth the risk.
Vegas, Baby! I did this one year with friends (the year the Ravens tossed the Giants around like a bunch of rag dolls) and it was great. Key thing to remind yourself is, “This is not a Super Bowl trip, we are here to gamble and drink and drink and gamble, and the Super Bowl just happens to be happening on the same weekend.” Don’t over-think it. Gamble on all the crazy prop bets. Drink, drink, drink. Watch it anywhere. I’m pretty sure you’ll have a decent time.
The Gourmet Club. If someone you know is a very good cook or, more importantly, their girlfriend is a very good cook and they invite you over to watch the game, you should strongly consider it. There’s always a fairly good chance that the game could suck but if the food and drink are amazing who really gives a rat’s ass. A few years back my friends (you know who you are) had me and a bunch of other unfortunates over to watch the Saints beat the Colts. I hardly remember details of the game but the main menu item, roast suckling pig, haunts my dreams to this day.
Your Loser Friends. To me, this is really the best option. Look, your wife doesn’t want you around while she and her friends are busy critiquing the commercials and Bruno Mars’ halftime performance, while crippling gridiron punishment goes largely unnoticed. The good news is, you have friends whose wives feel the same way. Better news, you have single and divorced friends who really just want to eat a mess of greasy food and howl at the moon. The best news is, these single dudes have a bunch of booze in the fridge and are anxious to host. Think of it as a reverse “fresh air fund” where disadvantaged married guys are taken away from their clean houses and loving families and brought to a ne’er-do-well day camp. Well, it’s actually a night camp but you get the picture. I’ve already booked my reservation at this final option. Let the good times roll.
Tune in tomorrow for another Super MTM Podcast</strong>.