Warding off a trip to the Psyche Ward for behavior untoward the fine wards of this site, as inquired by the stewards, our friend Angry Ward has been rewarded with a major award for the Most Awards Award, awarded by the war department, and cut a deal with the warden for a day off. He’s checking his wardrobe as we speak, but it’s onwards and upwards for the rest of us so let’s get to it…
HOLLYWOOD, CA: My next scheduled post is for the day after the Academy Awards, so this is my last chance to weigh in on the Best Picture nominees. It’s what us West Coast types are pros at.
Gravity: The Swimsuit Issue is entirely old fashioned and quaint in these days of easy Pornhub access on any screen…I mean, who still looks at print media? Still, Kate Upton, with all of her assets unencumbered by gravity – is quite inspired. Kudos for finding gimmicky new ways to stay relevant, Sports Illustrated…and for giving me hope for what Alfonso Cuaron’s Gravity 2 might promise.
12 Years a Slave: Robinson Cano was drafted in 2001 by the New York Yankees and spent twelve years in the organization enslaved to a life of cruel and antiquated rules about facial hair. Well he’s free at last, free at last…and this is what he does, a beard/no mustache combo? We’ll call these his rumspringa days of experimentation.
American Hustle: Speaking of Cano, the slow non-Olympic news cycle found a tiny ember to fan into something shiny when Kevin Long criticized his former protégé for not running out ground balls. No sane person would bother taking the bait and commenting on such a comment, but the Mariners have a new manager in town, and Lloyd McClendon has never met bait he hasn’t risen to, both defending Cano’s right to dog it and then saying that nobody on his team dogs it. Slow down guys, let’s save the fight for the field…
Philomena: …like they do in Cuba, where two of the top teams, Matanzas and Villa Clara, ended up in a brawl where one of the players came off the bench and went all Juan Marichal on the opposing pitcher with a bat, actually slugging a first baseman on the backswing. Rumor has it that it started over a woman…a woman named Philomena (I’m officially starting that rumor because I know the film is a charming British-French comedy about a mother and son reunion and has nothing to do with Cuban baseball).
Captain Phillips: Brandon Phillips has been a Red longer than anybody, shouldn’t he be made Captain?
Dallas Buyers Club: Thinking Captain Phillips was about Wade Phillips, the Cowboys tried to bring him back but he’s already busy keeping Houston mediocre.
Wolf of Wall Street: Come on, nine nominees? These are giving diminishing returns quick. Let’s just look at more pictures/space bouncing of Kate Upton, and root on Team USA against the Czech Republic in the quarterfinals today.