Cheesy Bruin’s MLB Mascot Controversy Special

A depraved Weekend at Bernie’s?!

WASHINGTON, DC – As Daniel Snyder fights to keep the Redskins nickname and logo, it now seems as though the Cleveland Indians are about to do battle over their logo/mascot, Chief Wahoo. The Atlanta Braves organization opted for political correctness when retiring their own Chief Knockahoma’s patrol around an outfield tepee a few decades ago. So, today we’re looking at some of the more popular, creative and somewhat politically correct mascots entertaining fans across Major League Baseball parks in Cheesy Bruin’s MLB Mascot Controversy Special.

Phillie Phanatic: While this old green aardvark-looking, ATV-driving muppet is terrorizing umpires, philthy phucking phans wait phor the phirst opportunity to phight opposing team phans. This act on and off the field is getting old.

Mr. Met: This guy is more like Dick Clark than the average Mets fan who sits through losing campaign after losing campaign–he never ages. Travis d’Arnaud’s turnaround at the plate can be attributed to bee pee on Mr. Met’s head.

Marijuaner Mariner Moose: While road “trips” are more his style, it’s the Seattle shwag keeping him at home inside Safeco Field. Let’s get one thing straight: he’s been high since the days of the old King Dome, as the video speaks for itself.

Baseball 'Vacation'
Baseball ‘Vacation’

Pirate Parrot: The Jolly Roger can’t compare to this portly bird who regularly stands alit on the strong foundation that is the PNC Park dugouts. There’s no shortage of Pittsburgh area fatties to stuff into this green parrot suit, so it’ll be around for the foreseeable future.

Clark: The Cubs have a long tradition, albeit a losing one, but they caved into the mascot craze by introducing Clark this year.  The young cub isn’t named after Chicago’s First cinematic Father, Clark Griswold, but after one of the streets whereupon Wrigley Field sits.

"Screech" Powers
“Screech” Powers

Orbit: It doesn’t get any funnier than this one. Orbit is a green alien whose name pays homage to the Nation’s Space Program in Houston. The creature signifies what is being played by the Astros as anything alien to baseball. The home team’s performance is not out of this world to stop a name change to “Obit“– as there’s a lot of death on the field at MinuteMaid Park.

Screech Power!
Screech Power!

Screech: No, not that no-talent actor of the “Saved By The Bell” franchise, Dustin Diamond, but the Washington Nationals eagle who hindered by the costume, outperforms the Bayside High student.

Milwaukee beer slideBernie Brewer: Hard to beat a German guy with a bushy moustache, sporting lederhosen while taking a slide into an awaiting gigantic beer mug after a Brewers home run.  How long before Neo-Nazis find this portrayal offensive?

Luchador: The MTM Research Department hipped me to the Arizona Diamondbacks secondary mascot, borne of the Latin fan base and their cultural fascination with (gay?) wrestling, seen in Jack Black’s Nacho Libre.


The Swingin’ Friar: As we went to copy no sexual charges have been pressed given the Padres mascot’s risqué name.  While this fat clergyman may opt for an alternative lifestyle, he was swinging and missing with the other ball players in getting no-hit by Tim Lincecum the other night.

Tune in tomorrow for West Coast Craig, who is still shell-shocked from seeing Bernie with his dog.

“Hey, Chiefy… I got your mascot controversy right here!”
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About Cheesy Bruin 491 Articles
A man amongst men. Cheesy Bruin kicked cancer to the curb - twice. The Cheese Man's a big, tough teddy-bear who survived the Bronx despite being an unabashed Boston Bruins fan and Sargent-At-Arms for Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse. Nuff said. Doctors have taken most of this throat and had to make him a new tongue from thigh-meat (his own) and still he won't shut up about the Bruins, Cowboys, Pirates and Cleveland Cavaliers. And yes, his kids do love him.