Tide Turns for Buckeyes, a 12 Gauge, Ducks and Preppy Strippers

Cardale Jones
Cardale “12 Gauge” Jones

ARLINGTON, TX – On January 12th, in this town known more for the presence of Nolan Ryan than anything else, the improbable will happen: College Football will have its first semblance of a true championship bout. And the combatants couldn’t be more unlikely; the Ohio State Buckeyes, who stunned Alabama’s Crimson Tide behind a third-string QB nicknamed “12 Gauge,” will be using his shot gun arm to hunt down the Oregon Ducks, who were judged way too soft by everyone and his brother – just ask Kirk Herbstreit, who regurgitated that about 20 times yesterday. Oregon found too many quacks in the Florida State Seminoles’ defense and continually undressed controversial ‘Noles QB Jameis Winston against his will, setting up the historic bout.

Granted, this championship tourney was/is tainted by the omission of teams like TCU and Baylor and the fact that partial voting by a tainted group only allowed for four teams to be invited to play in the championship round, but heck… it’s a start. And it’s not without interesting tidbits that caught our attention. Here are some observations:

Cardale “12 Gauge” Jones: This kid, in just his second career start, would give the Jets a better option under center than they’ve had since… Brett Favre. Not kidding. He’s a football player – not a manufactured QB like Mark Sanchez or Geno Smith. He’s got that certain je ne sais quoi that you need in a signal caller. And before you blast away with your cries about how Alabama is just a college team and how Jones would get eaten alive by a pro defense, we point to the 3 National Titles defensive guru Lou Nick Saban has in the last five years. He’s got a pro defense, chock full of NFL players.

Duck Dynasty: If you can’t get excited about 4-down-lineman alignments on offense – like the one Oregon uses on their two-point conversions, than you don’t need to be watching football. This team is simply refreshing and to be honest, we don’t follow college football that diligently – the Jets are the local college team – so we are likely late to the, “Hey, the Ducks are cool!” party. Forgive us, Dr. Diz. We are now converts.

Forgive the crappy quality of this clip, ESPN doesn’t allow embedding. They are douches.

Jameis Winston: Does anyone but us see that this kid needs glasses? Did you see him squinting to get the plays from the sideline? And with college playbooks resembling something out of The Imitation Game, it’s probably a good bet that Winston is more Mr. Magoo than Alan Turing and likely got some of the signals crossed.

Mariota and Winston Angry_Ward Meet_The_Matts
Ever-present Angry Ward looks on as the greats greet in “no-look” huddle.

FSU Sportsmanship: Speaking of codes, 2/3 of the Seminoles bolted for the tunnel after the final whistle, eschewing the post-game congratulatory handshakes/pats on the fanny salute to the victors. Stay classy, FU FSU. We will tip our caps to the beleaguered J-Win, who went out and shook hands. We do wonder if he was simply looking for Scott Boras, to find out whether he was staying in college or would become the next Trent Dilfer meets Dante Culpepper in the draft.

Give me an”O”…

Cheerleaders: The “pep squads” these days are there for only one reason, and it’s not to get the crowd cheering. Let’s just call them what they are: Preppy Strippers. There. We said it. All they need are single dollar bills strewn around them as they jump and split. And is that big “O” a subliminal representation of some end effect we’re supposed to achieve watching them? Oy.

That’s all for now. In the words of Bill “O“Reilly, please opine below and come back tomorrow for the orgasmic revelations of Junoir Blaber, who knows when “no” means “no.”

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About Matt McCarthy 379 Articles
Matt McCarthy, is the MTM founder and consequently wears many hats: Director, Editor, Writer, Web guy and Podcaster... Also known as Short Matt, he's also a two-bit actor, voice-over pro, rugby, baseball and ice hockey player and likes hazelnut coffee with rice milk, while strolling in the sand, listening to foreign films... Matt also moonlights on MTM spin-off, RugbyWrapUp.com, often wearing a wig and glasses while butchering a Kiwi accent.