VATICAN CITY – No, we’re not standing outside waiting for the we’ve-got-a-new-Pope-smoke to billow from the chimney; Pope Francis is just fine. Instead, we’re waiting for Easter to finally get here so we can get back to the business of lying, cursing (A pox on your house!), boozing and… eating Meat on Fridays! See the Lent thing has us hypocritical Catholics all asunder – delirious, if you will – and the mind starts to wander. And even with the No Meat Mandate, our minds naturally gravitate back to sports and in this case, players with no meat on their bones: The Skinniest Sports Stars.
Peter Crouch: Who the bleep is Peter Crouch? He’s a guy that soccer fans (the two of you in the USA) will recognize in a second. He’s a blond pencil that kicks. This Stoke City Striker is 6’8″ and [doesn’t] tip the scales at 165 lbs. He’s basically a longer version of a golf flag. Nevertheless, he’s gotten himself a piece of meat, Abbey Clancy (JG Clancy’s long-lost cousin?), who is actually pregnant in this photo. Not kidding.
Chris Sale: Nicknamed “The Condor” and often mistaken for a telephone pole on Chicago’s South Side, this lefty White Sox hurler makes a young Randy Johnson look chubby. Keep moving if you’re looking for more meat here – other than his sizzling wife. At 6’8″ and a mere 180lbs, Sale can’t afford to get caught in the wind, yet rarely serves up… wait for it… Meat Pitches.
Nerlens Noel: After researching this, we’re thinking of bringing on John Calipari on some kind of Win by Food Deprivation charge. This kid weighed just 206 lbs on Coach Hungry’s team. He is SEVEN FEET TALL. The 76ers, who drafted him, list him at 228 lbs, which is horse hockey… or he has bags of nickels hidden in his doo.
Anthony Davis: Talk about attrition?! Need more to chew on re our Calipari theory? We present the aforementioned Noel’s teammate, Anthony Davis, as evidence. Next to Nerlens, this 6’10” young Nerlens Pelicans star looks like Fat Albert. Indeed, he’s beefed up to a listed 220 lbs – which is like saying The Matts have Michael Landon hair.
And finally, we switch to football and someone most of us can more readily associate with.
DeSean Jackson: This one’s not as cartoonish as the above choices – not as meaty when it comes to comedic chops. After all, at 5’10” and 175 lbs, that’s a very normal looking man. But it’s abnormal in the NFL, where Mr. Jackson get’s walloped by gorillas – especially when he catches one over the middle. Oh, and that 175 lbs is more like 163 after two-a-days in August. P.s… You should see his snapper.
And there you have it. The No Meat Zone, brought to by Kahn’s Franks – made soley of pig’s knuckles and by-products!
Feel free to opine (sounds like bovine) below and come back tomorrow for Junoir Blaber, who is no Meat Head and will give us the skinny on something we can swallow.