NEW YORK, NY – We interrupt the Rangers and Islanders playoffs, Knicks tee offs, God Boy Tebow going to play in a city full of Satan worshipers, the Golden State Warriors and Minnesota Wild’s marches to inevitable championships, the New York Yankees trying to weasel out of paying A-Rod $6 million and all kinds of other good crap, to bring you a New York Mets Injury Update.
For those of you who haven’t heard, Blevins and d’Arnaud (the Mets’ answer to popular 1970s TV mimes, Shields and Yarnell) both did their best Rodney Dangerfield Caddyshack, “Ooh, my arm, it’s broken” routines this past Sunday, pushing New York’s hospital room vacancies to “Standing room only… for those who can still stand.” But the Mets aren’t taking this lying down–at least those not already in traction–instead, they are spitting in the eye of the Disability Devil and daring him to take them down. Here’s how…
Ain’t Life Grand? Curtis Granderson is barely hitting his weight, so he’s taken to moving grand pianos on his back during off days to build his leg strength as well as a possible post-baseball business. Called “The Grandy Man” his business slogan is: “I may not be able to carry a team, but I can carry a tune.” Thus far, it’s working on all levels. Granderson is breaking out of his slump (3 hits and 4 rbis last night) and is the cause of much pianist envy in the Big Apple.
Hat’s off to Alex! Relief pitcher Alex Torres has taken to wearing a Carvel ice cream cake mold instead of a standard-issue MLB cap during his appearances. Many have mistaken Torres’s new lid as an added bit of protection, but it’s actually quite the opposite. Says Torres, “The model I’m wearing now is a ‘Nutty the Ghost’ made of the cheapest plastics known to man. If a line drive ever does come back through the box, my head will most likely explode like a human colon after consuming a sleeve chocolate of flying saucers. I’m not worried though. When your number’s up, it’s up. I’m having a whale of a time and don’t plan on going out like some Cookie Puss.”
Take the A Train. In what some are calling “a senseless suicide mission,” Mets outfielder Juan Lagares now hops aboard New York’s A train every chance he gets. He’s especially fond of riding the A during rush hour, when crazed fellow passengers are at their most irritated and unpredictable. “I could probably walk to Far Rockaway faster, but I dig the action,” opines Lagares. “This one chick I see all the time who lives in Inwood? When that train’s not coming she’s wilder than John Rocker on the 7 with a case of Jim Beam and a shotgun.”
Fill Collins. Not wanting to be left out of the high-wire chills and thrills, Mets skipper Terry Collins has pledged to eat nothing but Chipotle while his ball club has a winning record.
The Dark Knife? Word has it that Mets Ace Matt Harvey has developed a taste for baseball-related operations the way some players do tattoos. Fresh off Tommy John surgery, Harvey has confided in friends that he’d next like to try Oscar Gamble Surgery (aggressive hair transplant), Mickey Lolich Surgery (all-over fat injections), Manny-Being-Mannyotomy (brain reduction), and a thorough Clemensoscopy (a-hole cleansing), among others. Harvey said he expects to miss no real time, except perhaps a couple of days to find the right hat post Gamble procedure.
Come back tomorrow for a guy who’s never spent a day on the DL, Walter “Grinding Ax” Hynes.
