Angry Ward Wednesday: I Swear this Was Gonna Be a Good Column

Kapow
This was actually on the Internet.

BRONX, NY – I am done. Seriously. Done. I had all but completed yet another Angry Ward Wednesday post back around 9 pm EST on Tuesday night when I thought to myself, “Hey, maybe I should save this?” and- Kapow!!! – in a matter of seconds it was gone. Nothing to be found. 500 or so words just vanished into the heavy night air.

So, I did what anyone else would; I called Short Matt and cursed at him and this site and my rotten luck. I swore I would not start rewriting… but rewrite I did. And it wasn’t half bad. It had jokes about James Dolan (who I called F***tard) and Isiah Thomas (who I referred to as “The Lunesta Molesta“) and how great it was that these two chums were back together again. I think I even said something about Dolan making up for the $11.6 million he lost in the Thomas sexual harassment suit by raising the price of the Hallmark Channel by a penny a month. Slowly but surely I started remembering what I had written, and I think I was maybe even making it better.

reggie_roby_1984_09_02I jumped to a bit on Floyd Mayweather and how he was announcing he would fight Manny Pacquiao again. And I said that anyone would take another $180 million to play 36 minutes of grab-ass. I then made a remark about how I would let Reggie Roby punt me in the nuts for a million. A reference was made to Mayweather being the P.T. Barnum of the Sweet Science and that he would have to wait at least a year for another easy payday due to Pacquiao’s injured shoulder.

This made for an easy segue to the lawsuit a couple of broken milk bottles from Las Vegas were bringing against Pacquiao, his manager, Bob Arum, Britney Spears, Doyle Brunson, Jack Ruby, the cast of “Showgirls,” and a host of others for the Pacman not informing the clueless fighting public of his torn rotator cuff prior to the fight of the century. Then I wrote something about Mets fans suing the Mets and Wilpons for sexual abandonment because it’s virtually impossible for Mets fans to get laid. I think that joke almost worked. I don’t know, it was getting late.

Finally, I decided to finish things off talking about the ad nauseam NFL coverage. There were some biting remarks concerning Mel Kiper and something about round-the-clock NFL coverage being as stale as the burger and hot dog rolls in Short Matt’s freezer. I was almost done! Almost 600 words at this point!

Angry_Ward Meet_The_Matts
Me and the Super in Happier Days.

And then the lights went out. I mean all the lights. All the power. I hadn’t saved a thing, because I didn’t want the same fate to befall me as last time. I did copy some of it along the way in the event that I might need to paste it back in, but now that was gone too. I texted management that I was done and would not write another word. But the lights are on again, Super said fuse blew for a whole line, and I’m back over 500 again. What can I say? I’m a glutton for punishment.

Good enough. And goodnight.

Speaking of the lights going out, listen to Lenny Randle:

That’s it. Come back tomorrow for Grinding Ax Walter Hynes and feel free to follow me on Twitter @Angry_Ward.

Share Button
About Angry Ward 748 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.