NEW YORK, NY – Turn on the television to watch any MLB game and you’ll find signs located behind home plate promoting a team’s bobblehead giveaway of a specific home team player. Yesterday was Juan Lagares’ turn to have his likeness captured in one of these collectibles. Today, I take the artistic liberty in composing my ideas for select Yankees and Mets players’ dolls.
Noah Syndergaard: The tall pitcher of Norse heritage appropriately nicknamed “Thor” should be holding a lightning bolt in his throwing hand in a pose of his follow through to home plate. In the glove hand he wields the mythological figure’s magical hammer.
David Wright: This figurine comes equipped with a bench where upon an ace-bandaged Wright is mummified from head to toe and laying down to take the stress off of his spinal stenosis.
Eric Campell: David Wright’s understudy has been nothing short of a tomato can in his efforts as he boasts a .176 batting average with eight errors at the hot corner. More an homage to Andy Warhol’s famous painting, Campbell’s doll has him standing, sans bat or glove, on a field of Campbell’s tomato soup cans.
Mike Cuddyer: Nothing is free in life is how the saying goes and is true especially when free agent signing is on the books for $21M over two years. A batting stance with holes in his bat (.244 BA) and a black eye mask–cause he’s stealing the Wilpon’s money.
Bartolo Colon: Having been 285 pounds once, I never looked as huge as Bartolo – who is listed at the same weight but is in the three hundred range. His uniform number 40 is replaced by the punctuation mark that bares his name, as his over-flowing glove spills pork chops and the pitching hand holds a grease-dripping baseball.
C.C. Sabathia: Comes complete with a hole-filled, faded uniform, detergent and a laundry basket at his feet – as he toes the pitching rubber – and a roll of quarters ’cause this guy is washed up.
Alex Rodriguez: Crap is coming out of all parts of the uniform, piling up all around a batting pose signifying the sh!t he’s been spewing for years. There’s also a copy of How To Win Friends And Influence People sticking out of his back pocket.
Chase Headley Ask a casual baseball fan like myself who the Yankees third basemen is and there’s sure to be a pause. Sponsored by Chase bank is Headley’s likeness adorned in Frank Gorshin’s Riddler costume with question marks all over. He’s currently on the disabled list making it harder to remember him.
Mark Tiexeira: The resurrection of Teixeira has the Yankees performing better than expected during his second coming. The bobblehead has the first baseman in an Atlas-like pose holding a colossal sphere in the form of a baseball since this titan is doing the heavy lifting for the ball club.
Mike Francesa: Sports talkie known for love fest interviews with players and managers, Fat Bastard’s mouth is agape as a depository for their “junk”. The Yankees fan and A-Rod apologist sits at a desk holding a Diet Coke and Papermate pen in opposite hands.