Cincinnati, OH—Before I even met the future Mrs. Fake Sandy Alderson, I had already planned our wedding date. No, Mr. FSA doesn’t go in for china patterns, kale chip makers, or window treatments the way say, Short Matt does. The latter having spent much of the past 90 days giddy and galloping through the aisles of Fortunoff and Jo-Ann Fabrics for registry items. I’m referring to the most logical time possible for a sports obsessed idiot to get hitched.
The insidious break that insists upon itself as part of Baseball’s “All Star festivities.” It is a wasteland, a desolate and painfully empty time and place when MLB takes an unnecessary and damaging break to congratulate itself. This was the time I decided years before, when I would marry. And speaking of a desolate and painfully empty time, it’s been 18 years since that fateful July Sunday.
4 days off from America’s pastime is torture. For everyone-players included. Some have resorted to activities no one could have predicted.
Delmon Young-recently released by the Baltimore Orioles, the former #1 overall pick has decided to convert to Judaism. Always an open minded and inquisitive guy, Young can be found roaming Borough Park at all hours studying the Talmud. The newly named David Yankel is not a punk after all.
David Wright-was seen boogie boarding in Maui yesterday with Michael Cuddyer after he finished building a couple of houses for Habitat for Humanity. Not wanting to be exposed as a faker and crybaby, Wright has stayed as far from New York as he can. Now that the Mets’ insurance coverage on Wright’s contract has kicked in, the team is now responsible for less than $5M of his annual $20M salary. He doesn’t want to risk being seen around New York for this reason. And it’s a better story to quit on your team from California than quitting on your team from home.
Alex Rodriguez-always up for a game of chicken, Alex went back into the lab and came away with an entirely undetectable new designer drug. Flakka cannot be detected by testing yet and this new and very powerful drug currently sweeping white trash Florida has enabled A-Rod to soar once more. Jose Bautista and Jenry Mejia tagged along and picked up the check at Sizzler.
Matt Harvey has taken over Jeffy Wilpon’s Twitter account (@greenwichmets) and has been sending taunting tweets to Jacob deGrom who has officially usurped the alpha dog status from Harvey. Now the Mets’ #3 starter, Harvey has settled into a groove of mediocrity that will soon rival Andy Hawkins’ career.
Lucas Duda-heard humming “puttin’ on the ritz” while boarding his flight from LaGuardia to Kennedy, Duda is spending the break searching for his missing power, and his missing affect. Duda also did some off-Broadway work as seen above.
Daniel Murphy-checked out Lilith Fair to see “lifestyle choices” that have perplexed him since his days at the Harvard of North Florida, Jacksonville University.
Danny Muno-the tiny Mets utility man who became famous for being Real Sandy Alderson‘s first draft pick to reach the majors. And I mean literally-to “reach” the majors. Standing a towering 4’11” Muno visited an endocrinologist yesterday to check on the status of his growth plates. Happily, the Dr. reported to Muno that his growth was perfectly normal for a healthy 9 year old boy. To which Muno exclaimed…”I’m 26!”
You see the trouble this All Star break causes? Who needs it. The only break I’m getting is of the psychotic variety. Play Ball! Please Hurry!