BRONX, NY – I wrote this on Monday night so I didn’t need to miss any of last night’s 5-2 Mets win over the Cubbies. Despite what my wife says, I’m such a forward thinker… at least selectively. Anyway, I did not come here to trash the city of Chicago, I came here to praise it. I actually do like Chicago, a lot. My favorite Uncle used to live there and I grew to appreciate the place. Don’t get me wrong, I want to Cubs to lose this series in horrible fashion but I think it’s okay to say some good things about the city, it’s people, and it’s ballclubs. Here then is a quick guide to “The Windy City.” In fact, let’s start there…
The Windy City. There’s a big misconception about this nickname. It has nothing to do with the harsh gusts blowing off of Lake Michigan. There’s no other way to say this: The citizens of Chicago fart… A LOT! This should come as no surprise when Windy City denizens sports names like Ditka and Palumbo and eat tons of sausage and cabbage. Chicago poet Carl Sandburg was wrong when he wrote “The Fog comes in on little cat feet.” It comes in on cankles from a guy named Stosh.
Upper Wacker Drive. This is where high society types in Chicago drive their sedans and give each other handjobs. Trust me, it’s lovely.
Lower Wacker Drive. The Blues Brothers made their final push to the Richard J. Daley Plaza on this stretch. I’m assuming you know this already, but they paid the taxes on the orphanage to one Steven Spielberg.
Deep Dish. A lesser known informant during the Nixon years, Chicago’s so-called “Deep Dish” spilled his guts to the Tribune that Henry Kissinger had some un-Kosher dealings with a disreputable Vienna Hot Dog street vendor. Unfortunately, the “Dirty Water Gate” scandal never captured the public’s imagination and took hold.
“Let’s Play Two!” Is a Chicagocentric term for a really unspeakable scatological sex act. Under no circumstances should you say this within the city limits, and especially not in and around the historic Water Tower.
Leroy Brown. See above, only worse. Bad. Bad. In fact, stay away from the south side of Chicago altogether.
Muddy Waters. Was a Chicago Blues legend. Get your minds out of the gutter already!!!
Monsters of the Midway. Is how Bears fans lovably refer to their halftime deposits in the stalls at Soldier Field. (You didn’t think I’d go back for one more? Suckers.)
Speakeasy. Everyone in Chicago speaks so easy that they are virtually impossible to comprehend.
White Sox. They once played a couple of games wearing shorts.
As someone who wears shorts year round, I can’t get mad at that. They also had the greatest owner in the history of professional sports, Bill Veeck.
Cubs. Love Wrigley, everything in it, and around it. But the Cubs are going to lose to the Mets this year. Sorry, that’s the way it’s gotta be.
You’re great Chicago, but New York’s in my blood. I’ll be back next week to maybe eat my words.
Come back tomorrow for Grinding Ax Walter Hynes.
P.s… Daniel “Reggie” Murphy homered in his 5th straight. Click the link for 3 of the worst calls on this feat that you’ll ever hear.
