Election Day Special: 5 Sports Figures Who Would Make a Better President than Trump

Future Secretary of Awesome Outfits

It’s Tuesday folks, and not just any Tuesday. You woke up this morning with one thing on your mind. What will Whitney write about? But seriously, it’s Election Day. And as a guy with twin girls on the way, I am here to convince you not to vote for a Steaming Trump for the highest office in the land. But this is a sports column, when the Matts are in town at least, so in a desperate attempt to pretend a Trump-bashing piece is a sports column, how about this: The Top 5 Sports Figures Who Would Make a Better President than Trump.


1. Theo Epstein: The architect of the teams that broke the 86-year Curse of the Bambino and the 108- year Curse of the Billy Goat, this is a man who can get stuff done. Maybe he could get us out of Afghanistan and Iraq before they go on as long as those curses. Hey Theo, the Knicks could use your help.

2. Bill Belichick: Like all people with a conscience, I hate this guy. I hate him because he’s a cheater who threatens the purity of a sport I love. But there’s no purity in politics. Who would know more about our enemies than this guy? If Belichick said “I know more about ISIS than the Generals” it wouldn’t be ridiculous. And think of the State of the Unions, they’d be over in 10 minutes. “I am unable to discuss the State of our Union at this time, we should have more information in a few weeks.” Belichick also has the poised temperament needed for the highest office in the land. If you came to Bill at 3 am with a situation, he would be all business. Trump? “I’ll be right in, I just have to finish my Twitter war with Miley Cyrus.” Do you really think it’s a good idea to elect a guy that had to be banned from Twitter by his aids? Unless Eli Manning becomes head of state for one of our enemies, we’d be in good hands with Bill.

Future Secretary of Awesome Outfits
Secretary of Awesome Outfits

3. Larry Fitzgerald: Fitzy attended Valley Forge Military Academy, his grandfather was a Lieutenant who won a purple heart for his service in Korea; and he has an aunt and uncle who are both Lieutenant Colonels in the Army. This man is way more qualified to be Commander-in-Chief than 5-time deferment Trump; four times for college, and once for bad feet. “Are you kidding, I have the best feet. Believe me, there’s no problem there.” I’m still baffled how the “party of the military” nominated as its standard bearer a man who said John McCain is not a hero because his plane was shot down. McCain, when asked to identify American bombing targets by his captors, replied only with his name, rank, and serial number. He refused to be released, in spite of a dire need for medical attention, because “the prisoners must be sent home in the order in which they were captured.” But you want to elect a guy who’s going to bring back waterboarding?

There's no problem behind this ball, believe me
There’s no problem behind this ball, believe me

4. Warrick Dunn: Dunn’s charity has now gifted 145 homes to single parent families. This is a good man. Are we actually considering electing a man whose defense into the many allegations of sexual assault was, “believe me, she would not be my first choice.” Even if these women are all lying, this is a pathetic defense. When Deflategate’s Jim McNally said he referred to himself as “the Deflator” because he’s fat, it was more believable.

5. Jerry West: the man who fit Kevin Durant, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, Steph Curry (that’s right, Curry is the 4th highest player on the team) under the salary cap could probably get our debt situation under control. Or are you going to vote for the guy who said “I think it’s a great time to start a mortgage company. The real estate market is going to be very strong for a long time to come” in 2006. Trump Mortgage lasted a year and Trump blamed the people he himself hired. Get ready for “Hey, it’s not my fault the economy tanked. The guy I made Secretary of the Treasury was not qualified.” Trump’s six bankruptcies and numerous failed businesses are well documented, including Trump, the Game.

Be strong people. I understand the frustration with the establishment. Hillary Clinton is an uninspiring candidate who, as far as I can tell, has never taken an unpopular stand because she thought it was the right thing to do. Now watch how fast I vote for her. Believe me, the orange turd is not the answer.

Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward, a man who lacks the temperament to work at Burger King. Follow us on Twitter at @benwhit8 & @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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About Ben Whitney 410 Articles
Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.