INDIANA, PA – In this quaint, cozy home of Jimmy Stewart, you get small-town American at its very best. With each passing pickup truck, smile on a stranger’s face and stroll past Mom -n- Pop stores, the metamorphosis from coal-mining town to something else is on. And there’s the rub. Trying to figure out what to become next is the quandary near the quarry for much of these townships, as they struggle to figure out what’s next and not knowing what the future holds. If only we could assuage the fears of some of these salt-of-the-Earth folks by looking into a crystal ball and seeing what their next – and successful – iteration will be! Alas, we cannot. But we can take a shot at some 2019 Pro Sports Predictions, now that 2018 is in the books!
Baker Mayfield: The RV that he lived in during Hard Knocks is up for sale. That is fact, not speculation. It will, however, go for twice more than it is worth, simply because he is Cleveland’s first legit signal-caller since Bernie Kosar. And if he wins his 6th in his last 7, the twice price will be thrice, as he autographed the flocking fridge!
Mets Better Than Yanks: In a crazy, topsy-turvy, zany and wacky world, it’s 2015 all over again for the Brodie Van Weggenenenenen and Noah Syanderageaaaegaard. The pitching will come together, Todd Frazier will hit .246 as pinch-hitter after losing his job to TJ Rivera, Yoenis Cespedes will play 136 games, Corey Oswalt (6’5″ & 250lbs) will leave the bullpen and become WWE star The Rosin Bagger and Robinson Cano will play 1B in the stretch run, while Jeff McNeil carries the team as a mix of Wally Backman and Jeff Kent. And the best part? The Mets will avenge Bobby Valentine, Benny Agbayani and the 2000 team by beating the crosstown Yankees in Subway World Series II.
Brett Favre: After hearing Kurt Warner entertaining notions of coming out of retirement, Brett tightens the belt on his Lee jeans, covers his body in copper magnet sleeves and calls his agent – the guy in the commercials with Aaron Rodgers – who advises Favre that he has no time for another Green Bay QB awkwardly alienated from his family. Brett wisely goes back to making B-List commercials.
Eli Manning: The one asset that the NY Giants have failed miserably to protect for 7 seasons, pays out-of-pocket for two tackles and a blocking FB, catapulting him to his 3rd Super Bowl MVP. And yes, we know that is more of a 2020 prediction but we’re setting up a “hindsight” piece for that Friday after said game when Different Matt is AWOL again. P.s… The Jints trade Eli immediately after the game to the Vegas Raiders for the #1 and #6 picks in that draft year.
Manny Machado: With a scowling Alex Rodriguez by his side, Macha Man will tearfully deny any PED use on Mike Francesa’s really boring radio show. He will then be banned from from baseball, along with the aforementioned Cano and Jeurys Familia, who had also been hooked up with A-Rod’s guy.
LeBron James: Despite a nagging/chronic groin injury that kept him out of the Lakers lineup for the campaign’s middle 4 months, he comes back for the season’s final 8 months to get LA into the playoffs. He then excels in the 3-month playoff run, leading Los Angeles and Jack Nicholson to the title.
And there you have it. Set your clocks to the above, Ladies and Germs… and come back tomorrow for Junoir Blaber, who predictably will have his column in drafts 4 hours late.