STAMFORD, CT – I’m late to the party, but I’ve been binging Black Mirror on Netflix recently. With some strange comings and goings in the world of sports, it got me thinking. For your aspiring showrunners out there, here are a few ideas for a Sports-Related Black Mirror type show.
Trading Tendons
When Enis Kanter said Zion Williamson was “like Julius Randle with hops,” New York Knicks thin-skinned owner James Dolan got angry. He made a call to fellow billionaire Gayle Benson, the Pelicans owner, and a bet was made. Zion was drugged and sent to New York where team doctors removed his Achilles tendons and implanted them into Randle.
After a year of recovery, Randle was reborn as a monster, averaging 45 points, 22 rebounds and 7 assists per game. Williamson was immediately cut by the Pelicans. When Randle was named league MVP, Dolan won the bet and the $1 dollar prize. When Randle tore every tendon in his knees the following season, Dolan laughed and said “it was worth it.”
The Manchurian Winger
When NY Rangers’ star winger Artemi Panarin was accused of beating a young girl a few years back, nobody was buying it. Even Vlad Putin said “that sounds a bit political.” But when Artemi disappeared for a few weeks, many suspected there was more to this story. Well, there was.
Russian operatives had kidnapped many members of Panarin’s family and blackmailing him into participating in a project called Operation Wrist Shot. The winger was quickly trained as an assassin in a plot to kill the POTUS. The plan hinges on the Rangers winning the Cup and getting invited to the White House. When Putin found out that Panarin plays for the Rangers not the Islanders, a reported 15 KGB agents were sent to Siberia.
Panarin was also injected with a experimental chemical that nullifies the effects of alcohol. This was put in place when first attempt Alex Ovechkin eradicated years of training in a Herculean drinking binge after winning the Cup.
The Savage Pacemaker
Yankees manager Aaron Boone recently had surgery to install a pacemaker. Instead, an electronic projection device was installed in his chest. The Yankees will be installing a special receiver so each time a pitcher toes the rubber he will hear a screeching “my guys are f@ckin’ savages in the box.” An early prototype increased the opposing pitchers’ walk rate by 87%. Two pitchers had to seek counseling and one quit baseball.
Let’s hear your ideas in the comments. Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward, a savage on a bar stool. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.
