BRONX, NY – After a grueling 18-week season, the NFL Playoffs finally start this weekend. By the way, am I the only one that thinks adding that extra game and additional week was too much? Anyway, the postseason is here, and who better to run it down for you than an annoyed and supposedly objective Minnesota Vikings fan. As has become semi-custom with the Vikes, I’ve got no skin in this game. Let’s get started with some in-depth analysis that you (thankfully) won’t find anywhere else.
Bye Teams. It’s OK to hate the Bye teams, I usually do. They’re the fancy lads who get a week off to rest up and/or catch #Covid at some sh!tty club. In the AFC it’s the Titans. I don’t really have any issues with the Titans. Both Derrick Henry and AJ Brown are on my fantasy team. I think Mike Vrabel is a decent coach. Have a nice week off, Titans. Green Bay, on the other hand, can go to hell. I hope their off week is nothing but exploding stoves and high gruesomes. They’re in Green Bay, so that’s a good start. Packers fans look at their team the way St. Louis Cardinals fans look at their insufferable baseball team… like they’re some kind of royalty. F**k off, Green Bay! F**k right the f**k off. Let’s move on.
Raiders at Bengals. For years the Raiders prided themselves on trying to cripple people and not care about it. “Just Win, Baby” is code for cheat, steal, maim, and maim some more, and maybe we got a shot. Despite one horrific accident earlier this season, this Raiders group, led by their bizarre bowl-cut owner, seems tame by comparison. Doesn’t matter. Gotta go Burrow and the Bengals here. Plenty of time to build up hate for them, but now’s not the time. Cincy hasn’t had anything good since WKRP. I’m Team Bailey, by the way.
Patriots at Bills. I’m no fan of the “Bills Mafia” and would rather reside in the Seventh Circle of Hell than Buffalo, but there’s no way I’m going with the Patriots here. First and foremost, I’m rooting for snow. Josh Allen doesn’t impress me, but I think he’s smart enough to throw it to Stefon Diggs (genius for getting out of Minnesota when he did) enough to win this game. Also, f**k “Redneck Julian Edelman,” Cole Beasley, with Bruce Smith’s cleats. But still, go Bills.
Eagles at Buccaneers. It’s the White Trash Bowl, as Philly losers invade Florida’s F**ked Riviera. Ugh. How on Earth did two NFC East teams make the playoffs? Jalen Hurts is no Tom Brady. I’m not even sure he’s Cindy Brady. Bucs HC Bruce Arians keeps dressing like he’s auditioning for a role in a Chuck Norris Missing in Action movie. What a dipsh!t. I like neither team, but the Bucs are winning this game.
49ers at Cowboys. I’ve never been a Niners fan, and they might be completely spent after their OT win at the Rams last Sunday, but they need to whup the Cowboys good. I will never root for the Cowboys against anyone. Maybe Dallas Cowboys vs. Hitler, but even then I would have to explore all my options.
Steelers at Chiefs. Kansas City has issues, and I could easily see this being an awkward and sloppy game that Pittsburgh attempts to win via 5-yard passes and 8 Chris Boswell field goals. But the Chiefs really need to beat the crap out of Pittsburgh, by whatever means necessary, and send Ben Roethlisberger away for good. Godspeed, Chiefs.
Cardinals at Rams. Do Arizona fans travel as well as San Francisco fans? If not, they should. Last Sunday’s home game in LA for the Rams seemed way more like a home game for the Niners. Boy genius coach Sean McVay said as much. The Rams mortgaged their future to try to win this year… and they probably won’t. But I think this is the best possible match up for them. They’ve got to get their running game going. Cam Akers could be the key. I’m going with the Rams on (*looking it up*) Monday Night??? Cool.
That’s all folks. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz’s Silver Linings Playbook.