NEW YORK, NY – Greetings, one and all, on this final day of January. We won’t discuss that month that starts tomorrow, because it’s well-documented how I feel about it all by now. Luckily we have a dead week of inane Super Bowl hype to take our minds off of things. I’ve petitioned Management to get me a media pass in past years, but for some reason the NFL doesn’t recognize MTM as a legitimate sports news outlet. I blame Junior Blaber. Anyway, if I were in press row this week, here are some questions I’d ask, just to break the monotony.
Andy Reid. “What’s more humiliating, watching Kadarius Toney screw up everything or eating an entire Papa John’s pizza in one sitting?”
Kyle Shanahan. “If you guys go up 28-3, what’s the plan this time?”
Patrick Mahomes. “Why is your brother Jackson such a d!ck?”
Jake Moody. “How many anxiety nightmares have you had so far about absolutely blowing this game for your team on Sunday?”
Travis Kelce. “Just for fun, which other high-profile celebrities would you maybe consider dating?”
Brock Purdy. “You looked really relaxed in the second half last week. Is that because you knew that there was no way they would actually consider pulling you for Sam Darnold?”
Kadarius Toney. “Are you gonna be ok?”
Fred Warner. “How many players can you name on the current San Francisco Giants roster?”
Marquez Valdes-Scantling. “Have you ever caught a cold?”
Charvarius Ward. “Cool last name. How do you plan on slowing down Tyreek Hill Sunday?”
Harrison Butker. “What were some of the better mean nicknames you were called as a kid?”
Mitch Wishnowsky. “Where does American football punter fall on the Australian tough guy scale, with flamboyant songster Peter Allen being a 1 and prison colony Kangaroo boxing champ being a 10?”
Isiah Pacheco. “Have you ever given any thought to, y’know, maybe avoiding contact every once in a while?”
John Lynch. “If Brock Purdy falls on his face Sunday, is there any chance you’ll pursue Kirk Cousins this offseason… please?”
Tommy Townsend. “Dude, what’s with the hair?
Ray-Ray McCloud III. “Which is cooler, being the third Ray-Ray McCloud or like the seventh receiving option on the 49ers?”
Mecole Hardman. “Mazel Tov on your escape from New York! In your heart of hearts, do you really think you deserve to be playing in another Super Bowl?”
George Kittle. “At this point, do you consider yourself a more famous Kittle than former Chicago White Sox Rookie of the Year, Ron Kittle? And, if so, why?”
Okay no more questions. It’s time to steel myself for the upcoming month-long darkness retreat. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who hasn’t an ounce of retreat in him.
NOTE FROM MANAGEMENT: This is what you watch in February. First match is Friday at 3pm ET.
