ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: SIX EDUCATION

BRONX, NY – Here we are on November frogging 4th and we’re still talking about baseball. Game 6 between the Yanks and Phils tonight at the Whore Emporium. Just the way the suddenly lucid George Steinbrenner planned it. In fact, rumor has it that Big Stein himself is going to hang-glide into the Stadium prior to the game and sing the National Anthem. Should be great theater. In any event, as we ready ourselves for the sixth installment of the newly-nicknamed Frostbite Classic, here are a few things that have become very apparent:

• The 2004 ALCS still haunts many Yankees fans. It’s hilarious to hear the Bomber faithful(?) calling up sports talk radio shows throughout these playoffs sounding as though the sky is falling. The Yanks have barely had a hiccup since June and these folks sound like every single game is going to be the tipping point for another painful collapse. With each passing day Joe Girardi is either a genius or Pete Puma from the old Warner Brothers cartoons. Bottom line, this fan base seems forever changed since the Sox humiliated them in 2004. You can still see some of the old bravado in numbskulls like Yankee Joe, but it appears he and his ilk are the last of the dinosaurs, destined to be museum pieces depicting what Yankees fans were before they evolved into nail-biting Nellies.

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“While you’re beating up on Girardi, would you mind giving me a few lumps too?”

• Kate Hudson’s vagina is magic. There’s no other explanation. As Cookie and others have commented here, A-Rod is a completely different player and it’s all because of Goldie Hawn’s daughter. Sure, Alex (or “the Centaur of attention” as I am now calling him) is not exactly putting up gaudy series numbers, but he has definitely been a key presence throughout this run for the Yankees. I personally thought we’d see peace in the Middle East before we saw this. One thing’s for sure, if I ever get cancer I’m not going to Lourdes; I’ll be booking a one-way ticket to just south of the Hudson border.

• Ryan Howard is channeling Dave Kingman… but without the home runs. Has anyone looked worse in the series? I’ve seen better looking swings at condemned playgrounds. Bobby Valentine recently zinged Mr. Howard by saying: “Right now he couldn’t hit me if I ran across the plate.” Ouch. One thing’s for sure, RH better snap out of it tonight, or it’s all over for him and his team. You gotta think that the Yanks won’t give Utley much to hit. Howard’s under enough pressure already, but the best players respond in situations such as these. (Are you listening Carlos Beltran and David Wright?) Another strikeout-filled night for the big guy and the city of Philadelphia has its clear goat.

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• The Minnesota Vikings are 7-1! Just thought I’d throw that in there. Sorry Wisconsin Walt.

• FOX has got to stop showing that f***ing shot of Andy Pettitte’s eyes looking over his glove. This thing has been done to death already. What’s next, are they going to add special effects that make his eyes glow? Bottom line, Andy Pettitte is not especially intimidating. In fact, the scariest thing about him is that he was once very close friends with Roger Clemens (aka, the Devil’s mentally challenged cousin). Oh, while we’re on the topic of FOX, please stop with the triple-screen shots showing pitcher, hitter, and catcher in that middle inset box. Just give us the center field shot and we’ll be fine. Got it? Thanks.

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“Will Andy be raggedy tonight?”

• Brad Lidge is done. Charlie Manuel saying that he was “giving Brad a break” in Game 5 is all you need to know. He should not be seen again in this series. Not sure what the Phillies are going to do about a closer, or the rest of their pen for that matter, but they’d be foolish to go out on a Lidge.

• The Yankees should win this thing. And you know it pains me to say this as much as passing a softball-sized kidney stone. They’re home, they have the lead, and they still have Mariano Rivera. Failing all of that, they have Sabathia on three days rest for Game 7. The Phillies have Chase Utley, a who-knows-what-you’ll-get Pedro Martinez tonight, and tons of other question marks. It’s gonna be tough for Philadelphia but if they somehow pull off a win tonight, A-Rod may be forced to loan Kate Hudson out to his teammates.

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“Get warmed up Hudson, the team needs ya!”

OK, that’s enough for today. Come back tomorrow for the Lone Star stylings of Eddiz/Dr. Diz, unless otherwise preempted by The Matts as per tonight’s game.

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About Angry Ward 555 Articles
Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.