ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: THE SECOND ANNUAL GOLDEN TURKEY AWARDS

WICHITA, KS – Welcome to the luxurious Braidwood Inn in beautiful downtown Wichita for the 2nd Annual Golden Turkey Awards. These Thanksgiving-themed trophies go to only the most deserving names in sports and entertainment. So, without further ado, let’s get right to the presentations.:

The Broken Wishbone. This award for outstanding achievement in the field of injuries goes to the 2009 New York Mets. The Metropolitans were a runaway winner in this category and pulled their collective hamstrings in doing so. At long last they finally got on the same page as a team. Kudos!

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From Niese to Nieve just about every other name on the roster, the 2009 Mets looked like a bunch of cheap Chinatown figurines.

The Golden Gravy Boat
. Brett Favre picks up this coveted piece of hardware this year for his umpteenth comeback. For someone who’s basically accomplished everything possible in his chosen profession, this year Favre has shown that it’s no sin to go back for seconds, thirds, and even fourths. It’s all gravy for Brett these days and he’s enjoying every last drop.

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It’s hard for Angry Ward to be angry at a 9-1 record. Get back to me after the playoffs.

The Jive Turkey
. This one goes to LSU coach Les Miles for his disastrous game management against Ole Miss this past Saturday. Bad enough that he bungled his team’s entire final possession, but he then urged his quarterback to spike the ball with one second left on the clock. Even though video clearly showed coach Miles making a “spike” signal, he vehemently denied doing it and implied the blame lay elsewhere. Bravo Les! Take a bow.

The Pumpkin Pie d’Or. Here we recognize trans-formative excellence from an unexpected source. And the award goes to… Kate Hudson’s vagina! What else can you say about Kate’s vajayjay that hasn’t been said already? More magically sweet than a bowl of Lucky Charms, the Hudson inlet took fellow p***y Alex Rodriguez and turned him into a credible post-season force and was the real reason the Yankees won the World Series. Ever the team player, Kate’s vagina refused to take credit saying only that it was “a labia of love.”

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Kate Hudson and The Pussycats

The Sour Cranberry. Patriots coach Bill Belichick wins this award for the person whose reputation has really started to sour. Those Super Bowl wins are now far enough removed that no one thinks it’s remotely charming when he tries to run up scores on his opponents or extend extremely awkward post-game handshakes. Mr. Bill also got killed for his failed fourth down attempt against the Colts and is looking more and more like someone who is running out of friends.

The Tryptophan Trophy
. This one goes to that player or team that inspires the most fan comas. And the winner is… the New Jersey Nets. The Knicks were in contention here as well but, in the end, there isn’t a single reason for the Nets to not sleepwalk away with this one. For those of you suffering from insomnia, the YES Network has your dream team.

The Gobble Gobble Hey
. The award for most productive mouth goes to Jets head coach Rex Ryan. Whether he’s talking early-season smack, pleading for help from the fans, or sobbing uncontrollably in front of his players, Rex’s pie hole is seemingly open 24-7. And when he’s not yammering away, he keeps his gob busy by apparently eating anything within striking distance. Bottom line, if you’re having Rex over for Thanksgiving dinner, expect him to hog the conversation as well as the food.

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Rex Ryan

The Discarded Carcass. J.J. Putz, you old so and so, come on down! How many players did the Mets give up to get you? Was it eight? Nine? We lost count. Now Omar and the Mets won’t even consider using your bleached bones for soup, declining to pick up your option in 2010. What a turkey of a deal.

and finally…

The Stuffing Statuette. This year the coveted Stuffing Statuette goes to the stuffed suits at SNY who continue to overlook the doggedly determined Matts. Who works harder than these guys? They travel all over the world spreading the gospel of the Mets, New York, and sports in general; they track down current and former players for interviews on pure hustle and a shoestring budget; they’ve built a home where all kinds of malcontents can voice their opinions; and they accomplish all of this and more while overcoming the stigma of being bald. What more is SNY (or any other sports channel for that matter) looking for? Give these guys a break already!

That’s all for today. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! See ya next week. Go Lions!

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About Angry Ward 671 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.