DR. MENGELE’S LAB, PARTS UNKNOWN – This week’s press has been all aflutter with uber-media whore and absolute ZERO, Heidi Montag (her name doesn’t deserve boldface). She was on one of those Hills, Four Tree Town, Dawson’s Crock of Crap WB shows that I don’t pay any attention to. Anyway, seems this 23-year-old thought she needed a little plastic surgery and indulged in TEN procedures in one day!!!

It got me to thinking, that in the world of sports we’ve seen a lot of plastic surgery, but no one talks about it. Everyone is concerned with who is coming clean about steriods, about hand balls (I’m talking soccer boys) and who is going to sex rehab. Me? I think we need to take a look at who’s been doing a little bit of the old nip/tuck. (No, I’m not talking about gender reassignment surgery. Alexis Arquette need not apply here.)

BRUCE JENNER : A one All-American, good looking dude can’t deal with aging and now looks like an old lesbian. The only thing WORSE than his looks is the fact that he has to share a house with all those squalking Kardashian chicks and their Chihuahuas. I think someone made a mistake and instead of getting the dog fixed, got Jenner fixed.

    Jenner EASILY completed a decathlon of plastic surgery.


BOB COSTAS: Anyone notice his eyes never move? And check out his super smooth five-head! He’s also got an overly abundant amount of eyeliner. I bet him and Tom Hammond have some SWEET catfights over the blue kohl in the NBC dressing room. Bobby and his baby blues. Meeeooow!

MARK MCGWIRE: Boo hoo. Poor Mark. He knew the day would come. He lied only to protect his family. He took the steroids only for recovery because he was in pain. Was anyone in PAIN watching his face as he made his admission? I was. Good lord, I thought his face was going to rubber-band off like one of his homers. Did you notice how SMOOTH his face was? And those crocodile tears? Just bits of botox seeping out from his last eye treatment.

SAMMY SOSA: Down the way, Mr. Sosa could have learned a thing or two from Mr. McGwire: “‘You put the needle in the fatty part of your a*s, not your face.” Sammy should’ve just said NO to plastic surgery. He looks like a fat, undead Michael Jackson. The story is that he underwent a chemical peel – “a facial rejuvenation” – to help reverse all those years “… playing basebaball under the sun’s harmful rays.” EXCUSE ME?!? Did Sammy check the mirror before he did this? The dude is naturally engineered to be cool with the sun. Someone tell me where they’re selling SPF 10 or above in Cuba and I’ll tell you THE METS ARE WINNING THE 2010 WORLD SERIES. Tell Sammy he should be more worried about all the juice he was likely injecting and the cork in his baseball bat. Yet, his biggest worry should be that he now oddly looks like Tom Hanks. Eww.

Tom Hanks’ wife and Wilson are equally confused.

IRON MIKE TYSON: No plastic surgery here, but what was he THINKING when he tattooed his face?!? He wasn’t boxing anymore when he did that – so what was the point? Did he need to intimidate people? Honestly : Who in the world doesn’t recognize him and immediately think :

A) I hope he doesn’t deck me.
B) I hope he doesn’t bite my ear off and spit it in my face.
C) Gee… he REALLY sounds like Tweety Bird!

All that aside, Mike proves that no matter how messed up your face becomes as a result of your sport (Mike Cameron) or ill-placed tattoos, you can still land a roll in a very funny Golden Globe-Winning Movie.

HEIDI FLEISS: Okay, Heidi Fleiss is not a sports celeb (unless we count her endurance at being able to put up with the likes of Charlie Sheens‘ insane hooker requests and the evil antics of ex-beau – and alleged fellow junkie – Tom Sizemore). I’ve just included her here as a WARNING to Nancy Kerrigan. The two look pretty similar and I’m sure if Nancy went overboard with the plastic surgery…This is what she’d look like:

    Nancy Kerrigan…wherever you are…BE WARNED!

The lesson in all this? I guess it could be that you should be happy with who you are on the inside and it will follow that you’re happy with the face you show to the world. Nah! Maye it’s that too much of a good thing can turn out to be a BAD thing. The exception being, of course??? Ms. Sofia Vergara.

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About Cookie 101 Articles
Cookie, like 7 fifths of the MTM staff, was brought in by The Franchise (Angry Ward). They met sitting near each other at a NY Rangers game. She's our Angelina Jolie in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" - by day the fetching wife and young mother of two little boys; by night the hot, sports fanatic that mixes in triathlons and X-Treme sports with her love for the Yankees, Brooklyn Nets, NY Rangers and... Denver Broncos. She is, like most of the rotation, more than a bit sassy, bakes like nobody's business and is one smart... Cookie. She too, needs to be in a bikini as often as possible.