HOLLYWOOD, CA – This week on MTM we’ve taken a detour during this post-Olympic, pre-March Madness, early-spring-training sports lull. Angry Ward took a good look at some Gym Dandies, causing some of us to run to the gym and some of us to run from the gym. This was followed by a soft, doughy post about some Sports Fatties, which got me thinking about celebrities and their addictions. There are PUH-LENTY of them in the news, and we need to recap:
NAOMI’S NUTS: Twas a shock to NO ONE that Naomi Campbell landed on the front pages for yet another hot headed altercation with someone unfortunate enough to have a menial job with Naomi (Ms. Campbell if you’re nasty). Naomi screamed at her twenty-seven year old driver and had the balls to punch him in the back of the head as he drove, injuring his eye on the steering wheel, before she fled the car. Seems that the past anger management classes Naomi took as part of a plea for winging a cell phone at a maid did no good. (Perhaps Naomi should call Angry Ward for help and the Mets might call Naomi to the bullpen.) I dunno, but ever since Naomi broke up with sex-addict and bASS slapper, Adam Clayton of U2, it’s been all RAGE for the red carpet and catwalk diva. Maybe she just needs a touch of the Tiger Woods Treatment to help her relax a little bit.
Speaking of TIGER WOODS: Tiger was spotted in Florida at home at a DRIVING range shagging some balls. Heck, beats the last time he was in Florida DRIVING an Escalade when club-wielding wifey found out who HE was shagging – Or who he WASN’T shagging?!? I guess Sex Treatment is done and we should expect Tiger on the links soon.
NOTE: Lent is over soon, so I’m breaking the Tiger Vow since, in a Robert Shapiro way, Dr. Diz decided to consider my Texas vow broken. Embracing the false accusation, for Dr. Diz, here are my top statements of late about Texas.
1) Texas sucks macka-hiya-ding-ding.
2) Texas is the cow-pie of the U.S.
3) The best thing about Texas is that it borders Mexico and we’ve thusly reaped the benefits of tequila and chalupas.
4) The Amazing Race Cowboys are the only two who should be spared if we could blow that sad excuse for a state off the map.)
Now, back to our show…
JOHN MAYER: Fairfield, Connecticut’s ex-favorite son (and current favorite douchebag) Mayer continues his addiction to negative attention. You’re cute John, but I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole. In a recent Playboy interview, he dropped the ‘n’ word, declared his love of/addiction to masturbation and likened his sexual relationship with Jessica Simpson to crack-cocaine dependency:
“Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm… Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just [froggin] snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to [frog] you, I would start selling all my sh*t just to keep [frogging]you.’ “
Jessica Simpson went to the media and expressed her “disappointment” with Mayer for disclosing details of their sex life. She even went on OPRAH. Yawn. In other news, Chicken of the Sea is still tuna. Thanks Jess.
OPRAH WINFREY: )1st-ever MTM Oprah Segue)! Ms. Winfrey is clearly addicted to food and media. Recently I caught a promo for her show with Kirstie Alley as a guest. Good lord… my eyes!! Honestly, Kirstie is SO BIG, she makes Oprah look SKINNY. (Read it again people, because that is what I said.)
KIRSTIE ALLEY: She’s now simply fodder for How big is she? jokes; She is SO BIG, she SHOULD have SATELLITES orbiting around her. But, I give her kudos for doing a USA Network show poking fun at her weight struggles – As if Fat Actress wasn’t enough. Did anyone watch that?!? Me neither… At least her being in the news allows for a total tangent on Cheers’ quotes. You’re welcome.
(ABOVE, LEFT: Kirstie in her lean and not as mean times)
CHARLIE SHEEN, BROOKE MUELLER & UNNAMED SKANK LOOKING TO CASH IN: Is there ANYONE on the planet that could need Sex Rehab MORE than Charlie Sheen? I say No. Yet, he checked into rehab for substance abuse, not sex, as a preemptive move for legal/marital troubles – which were recently compounded Two & A Half times by a woman claiming to have had a threesome with Lucky Chuck and current wife Brooke. Said Skank has threatened to tell-all about the tryst. Bad news, Skank: If the Perkins’ waitress didn’t get paid, neither will you because Charlie is like Madonna in this way; he’s like the village bicycle… everyone’s had a ride.
BJ & THE BOTTLE: Burt Reynolds has always had a problem with booze and drugs. No surprise there. But it sure surprised the sh*t out of me to hear that he recently had a QUINTUPLE BYPASS! More surprising, Burt had recently checked into rehab after having gone on such a BENDER that he fell and bloodied himself pretty bad. Seems that much damage alerted him to the fact that he might have an addiction problem. Jeez…. Way to have a revelation Bandit, at age SEVENTY FOURI’m a pill popper and booze-hound… ten four!!! In related news, Sally Field is addicted to Boniva.
We wrap up with my admission that I’m addicted to endorphins. Yes, those weird chemicals that get released after you work out. It’s true. I’d rather suffer the likes of Gym Dandies like Mrs. Flapjacks, The Lurker, and The Steriod Twins than not feel a good endorphin high. Yet while I’ve been known to take a spin class on occasion, I’ve got no desire to head over to West 21st Street in Manhattan to spin my wheels at TIKI BARBER’s new, state-of-the-art Spinning Studio. Where else can you take a spin class for the low-low price of $30 per class or $325 a month for unlimited classes?!? Upper West Side Suckas! Kids, unless Tiki is my own personal towel boy, I’m not saddling up.
Now giddy-up on outta here and have a good, addiction free weekend! (Except for your addiction to MeetThe Matts. And come back tomorrow for a post from Mystery Matt???