THE DEAD ZONE, CT – It’s a wonder how when things go dead, they tend to piss you off. Case and point? This past weekend in southeastern CT during the BIG STORM. After driving back from my Mothra-In-Law’s surprise 75th birthday party (I am convinced she will have seventy five more birthdays) in the floody-floody. Returning to our residence, we realized there was no power. Ah… At last I MIGHT share something with my fellow townies neighbors Steve Phillips and Christopher Walken; No Power. Probably not, though, as they surely sought refuge at another of their abodes, or that of a fugly intern. Me? I hightailed it to northern CT with the mini-Cookies.
Days passed and no juice. The Juice was NOT loose here and it REALLY started to get on my nerves. By Tuesday I had power and got myself home and to a refrigerator that smelled like dead animal carcasses. Mmmm. Delish. But that got me to thinking about dead stuff: The brain-dead people at my power company and well… other dead people and dead stuff. Just like the load of DEAD beer in the fridge in my garage – moment of silence – and the all that joined the Dead List recently:
ALEX CHILTON: Vastly influential to the world of alternative and indie music, Alex Chilton of Big Star (and Box Tops) took the big dirt nap this past Wednesday. Aside from his own music, Chilton played with and produced other great bands, including one of my old favorites… The Cramps. Big Star has also been cited with influencing the likes of R.E.M. and The Replacements penned a song after him called Alex Chilton.
COREY HAIM: My favorite celebrity to turn up dead recently. I mean, was this one a shocker? No. Does the “Other Corey” – Corey Feldman probably feel like his days are numbered? Likely. These two Lost Boys who did every drug known to man, were really dancin’ with the devil. That is, until they signed on for another GREAT VH1 show; The Two Coreys. That show was dead in the water and Corey Haim was soon to follow.
What am I a f*&kin’ GERM?!?! Ah… Corey Haim… we’ll miss you
PETER GRAVES: Ironic last name, isn’t it?!? May he rest in peace. Damn, I LOVED Mission Impossible. Was there a cooler opening theme and sequence than the one for that show? Negative. And of course… his perfectly delivered one liners as Captain Oveur in Airplane! “Joey, have you ever seen a grown man naked?”
LINDSAY LOHAN’s CAREER: : I kinda missed how far little Miss Lohan had taken this one. Honestly, it was much further than Samantha Ronson has taken Lesbian Heroin Chic. Apparently, Lindsay took umbrage at the E-Trade commercial that aired during the Super Bowl. Uh… it’s now mid March. What took Lindsay’s camp so long? It’s the one with the boy baby having a video chat with another baby and at the end, a girl baby who is drunk on milk staggers across the screen and her name is…Lindsay. Seems Lindsay Lohan thought this was a direct slight at her. Please. Go get a ham sammich.
MERLIN OLSEN: I remember him best as the large, kindly farmer, Jonathan Garvey on Little House On The Prarie. Ahh… He seemed like such a nice, iconic Daddy. Then again, anyone cast next to the uber self-centered, bastard of a shnooshkie Michael Landon would look like a big teddy bear. But, not to detract, Merlin was a stand-up guy, loyally serving fifteen years as part of the Los Angeles Rams offense (and ultimately, the storied Fearsome Foursome which included Rosie Grier). Merlin’s last game was a HEART BREAKER vs. the Minnesota Vikings (we’ll leave that to Angry Ward and Grote2DMax to reminisce over). Olsen was a Hall of Famer who was named to 14 pro-bowls and only missed two games in his career!
JESSE JAMES (aka The-Soon-To-Be-Ex-Mr. Sandra Bullock): BIGGEST celebrity story of the week (because no one REALLY cares that Sam Mendes cheated on Kate Winslet). This one won’t be DEAD for a loooong time. Jesse James cheated on Sandra Bullock with (wait for it).. a stripper!! Anyone really surprised here? This is the guy’s THIRD marriage, one of which was to a porn star, Janine Lindemulder. (Fascinating side note: Janine was in a porn movie with Jenna Jameson called Janine Loves Jenna and also appeared in an amateur movie… ahem… sex tape with Vince Neil and former Penthouse Pet Brandy Ledford. Girls, girls girls. Jeez.. that Vince Neil STILL really gets around.) And the gal he blindsided Sandy with? Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. Bombshell is a tattoo model (Surprise!), from an Amish family who moved to California seeking fame. Smartly, she decided tattooing herself was the way… and even tattooed her FOREHEAD. That’s right. Her FOREHEAD is tattooed and reads Pray for all sinners apparently because Michelle believes we are all sinners. No kidding. And Jesse James is a big idiot for cheating on Bullock with this piece of garbage. Anyone who goes on The Celebrity Apprentice is looking to gain some newfound fame. Mr. James, it appears has now shot himself in the foot. If I was Sandra Bullock, indeed… Jesse James would be a dead man to me. Dead.
That about wraps it up for me kids. It’s Friday and another week is dead. More than likely, so are your NCAA brackets.
