New York, NY – We are just over a week away from Christmas and I know I’m ready for the festivities, the booze, the merriment, the cookies, the lights, the over-eating, and, of course, the booze. A few weeks ago I sent my letter to the jolly fat man at the North Pole. I asked for some sleep and for honest wages from the Matts. All I want is what’s coming to me. All I want is my fair share. While I was at the post office. I intercepted some letters to Santa to see what other people were asking for. Here’s a taste of what was I found.
Dear Santa… All I want for Christmas is a power running back that runs like a power running back, and a quarterback that doesn’t look like someone sharted in his dinner every time things don’t go his way. Oh, and a years’ supply of Bromo. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. – Tommy C, East Rutherford.
Dear, S.C., I’m rich. I’m famous. I have 3000 hits. I’ve got five World Series rings. I’ve got a long list of beautiful celebrities I’ve boned. And people love me. I guess I’ll just have an orange Fanta. Say hi to the missus for me 😉 – Derek, NY
Dear Mr. Claus, Please make me Derek Jeter for Christmas – Alex Rodriguez
Dear Santa – I’ll have a meatball sub, four pounds of capicola, a dozen bacon-wrapped sausages, a deep fried turkey, three boxes of Funny Bones, a bacon cheeseburger in between two grilled cheese sandwiches, two tubs of Fluff, disco fries, a gallon of Chunky Monkey, some Cheetos, three pounds of ground beef between two Tombstone pepperoni pizzas, hush puppies, and 10 deep fried Snickers bars. I’ll let you know what I want for dinner later. Oh and send more pictures of feet. – Rex
Santa – This year for Christmas, I want a helmet that fits my head, a glove that doesn’t have holes in it, and some bat speed. And can you make them move the walls in at Citi Field. The stadium plays longer than a par-5. And can you make people stop calling me “E5”? – David W, Flushing NY.
Dear Baby Jesus – First off, I want to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Without him, this letter wouldn’t be possible. This year for Christmas, I want… dang, I lost my train of thought. I’ve been Me-ing for the past five minutes. Oh well. I’ll talk to you later. – Tim Tebow
Dear Santa – I know I’ve asked you for the same thing for the past 10 years. But its still all i want. Its all I ever wanted. Please send me some hair. Thanks – Short Matt
That’s about all I have time for this week. Enjoy the holidays. Remember, it’s okay to over-over-indulge this month so take advantage. Drink plenty of eggnog and may visions of Lori Levine continue to dance in your heads. Make sure you check back for the Public Professor tomorrow. If you don’t, you’ll surely end up on Santa’s naughty list. You don’t want a lump of coal, do you? Or worse, relentless emails from the Matts? I didn’t think so.