SNOWVILLE, CT – First, I’d like to thank the future Ex-Mr. Cookie, Different Matt for taking over my slot last week. Between MRI’s, x-rays and ortho appointments (Cookie’s got a stress fracture of the foot), time got away from me and then I was heading off to Stowe, VT on Thursday. I lucked out TWICE in that Diff Matt agreed late Thursday to take my column for me (what a guy) and, the ortho said I could snowboard and do anything, as long as it didn’t hurt. Perfect. I’d also miss Snowmaggedon, and be in the right place in VT. Unfortunately, VT only got 12″ as opposed to the 16″ we got here in Cookie Town.
But it got me to thinking with all this crazy weather, is it the end of days? And I realized, perhaps the end is near, so here’s what I predict will happen as celebrities move with us to the end of days:
Steve Martin finally becomes a father at age sixty-seven. Ew
Kutchy-Ku (aka Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis) decide NOT to marry and have a kid (procreating out of wedlock is Hollywood cool). The child is the ugliest thing on the planet, proving the algebraic equivalent of genetics whereby opposites sometimes apply (e.g. a negative x a negative = a positive).
Jodi Foster finally exposes she’s gay. Everyone’s known for decades. No one cares.
J.Lo has finally exposed more of her flesh than anyone cares to see.
Katie Perry exposes her boobs again and the best thing about it is Ellen DeGeneres’ reactions. (I love lesbians.)
David Beckham produces a TV commercial for his new clothing line where he is running thru a Hollywood neighborhood in his skivvies, jumping bushes, into and out of pools, and comes to a halt behind a car of gawking women. (The only reason I’m putting this in there is because there is no way in hell I’ll be able to enjoy this commercial for too long. That and the video must be uploaded here. After all, I owe Mrs. Matt one.)
South African Olympian, Oscar “Blade Runner” Pistoris allegedly shoots his smokin’ hot girlfriend, model Reeva Steenkamp after he believes she was an intruder. Seeing the guy apparently had a temper and a love for going shooting and bragging about the percentage he got in the ‘kill zone,’ people are skeptical and pretty PISTORISed off.
Three weeks go by and no mention of Lindsay Lohan. (I TOLD you the end must be near!!)
Finally, Kate Upton removes her bra, her jugs hit the floor, and the world ends.
And with that… I’m outtie and gonna go hang with my girl crew tomorrow night. We’re gonna tear it up.. because after all… world is gonna end. Curse lots, drink lots and eat Peeps is my advice.
Dr. Diz, tomorrow.