NEW YORK, NY – This week’s column was inspired by one, feverish Little Angry Wardette and her father’s plea for help. A few years back, I had seen boxes of Quisp at my local supermarket and recalled Angry Ward mentioned he loved it as a kid. So, I got a few boxes and sent them to him. Little did I know, he’d feed it to Little Angry and years later, her addict craving for Quisp would reawaken. Here is the text exchange from earlier this week:
Angry Ward: My kid… outta nowhere is clamoring for Quisp. I can’t find it anywhere. You still have it up by you?
Cookie: Hahaha! That’s your spawn alright. Lemme know when she’s clamoring for scotch. There’s one store that might. Lemme see if I can get there this week.
Alas, it was not to be… But it got me to thinking about cereal and how some sports and celebs have qualities that align PERFECTLY with certain cereal characters. Let’s check out the spilled milk of it:
Boo Berry: This always fascinated me as a kid. The ameobic shape of the Boo Berry and he looked kinda cute. But it didn’t make sense. Who would be scared by him? Kinda reminds me of Justin Bieber. He’s (apparently to a teenage girl) kinda cute, but this week in the press all we’ve heard about is how he’s getting all bad-boy around the media hounding him, and acting out like some kinda thug (insert maniacal laugh here). Anyone take this seriously? No. Me neither. I’d be about as scared of him as I would if I encountered Boo Berry (though the prospect of blue milk DOES scare me).
Apple Jacks/Fruit Loops: The round, sugary cereal kissing cousins. They just taste like sugar. And they’re round. Too much sugar. And ROUND. The milk turns colors. And lots of ROUND. A preggo Kim Kardashian is now round.. more round. Round up front. Round in the back. More ROUND. And the media wants to know why she is wearing such awful clothing. Because she’s ROUND. Because she has no taste. And… she’s ROUND.
Circus Fun: You may not remember this cereal, which is why this is the video of the post. Clowns freak me out. I think they’re all suspect to murder ANYONE, ANYWHERE, at ANYTIME. As a kid, my rewrite of the commercial was “Horses, hoops, balls, bears, elephants and SATAN!” Clowns. They think no one knows what they’re really like. We’ll buy their funny sh*t… their weird shoes and distractions. Kinda like Oscar Pistorius, whose bail was loosened this week by a South African judge so he could go compete in track meets internationally. Guess they think he won’t skip out on it.
Fiber One: Wow… is this cereal boring. Well.. maybe the excitement comes with the fiber payout in the bathroom. Anyway, this week the ever-weird (tho I really like her for it), Tilda Swinton made herself “art” by sleeping in a glass box as part of a “performance art” piece at the Met this week. Apparently the fifty-two year old (there’s your case for sunscreen RIGHT THERE, kids), did the same back in 1996 as a “performance art” piece in London. The piece then, and now, is called ‘”The Maybe.” I’d like to call it… “The Maybe Not.”
Lucky Charms: This week, the Miami Heat’s 27-game winning streak was finally put to the end by the Chicago Bulls. Apparently all you people who love hoops found that, “magically delicious.”
Finally, there’s the sad sorry swirling in Flushing about the Pedro Part Deux… In a scenario that is crazily close to the Pedro Martinez Experiment (just at a LOT more money), $25.5 million will go to a Met that will not play for them this season – other than Bobby Bonilla. That’s right, Johan Santana, he of the 6-year, $137.5 million contract, will watch his Mets career end from the rehab center. With the new tear in his pitching shoulder, put a fork in him. He’s done. R.I.P. Johan. We hardly knew ya!
And there’s your pot of gold at the end of this rainbow of a post. Come on back tomorrow for the sweet, marshmallow goodness of Preacher’s Row.