NEW, NY – Lucky for you readers (except West Coast Craig, who might have cared), the American Zofingen Iron ITT 112-mile bike race I’d signed up for was rained out. Yes.. 112 miles, 12,000+ feet of climbing. I was ready – but not ready to do it in the pouring rain and 53-degree weather on a course that I’ve clocked nearly 50 MPH going downhill on a bike. (Dudes love chicks who can descend fast. Ask new cyclist… Cam James). So instead, I’m left staring down the barrel of a soggy, New England Memorial Day weekend and have PLENTY ideas of what to do. Here’s my 10 Things To Do This Weekend:
10) Camp out at an L.A. hospital and wait for the Kanye/Kim sub-human to arrive. Revel in the fact that no matter WHAT stupidity you engage in this weekend, July 4th weekend (blowing off any digits with fireworks counts) or ANY day of your life… you will STILL not be as stupid as this child for the genetic wasteland they come from. Seriously, Kim/Kanye and offspring do and will make Ryan Lochte look like a MENSA member.
9) Have a Barbeque! Invite Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia. Make sure you have copious amounts of fried chicken, watermelon, and arroz con pollo. Then get them both good and drunk and hand them their golf clubs and let them mulligan each other to death.
8) Go to a High School Prom! Shamelessly beg Kate Upton to go with you and see if it works a second time. (You’re welcome to all of you for the chance for MtM Staff to put a picture of Kate Upton here. However, if there’s no really hot picture of Ryan Lochte in return, this serves as my two week notice.)
7) Get checked for prostate and testicular cancer, a la Maroon 5 frontman, Adam Levine.
6) Work on your fastball. If Phil Hughes (who before the last game.. whose previous two game combined ERA was 18.47) can be a Major League Pitcher… STILL… so can you. If you’re a LEFTIE.. you really need to move your tail.
5) If you’re a NY Rangers fan like me and Different Matt, after last night, you’re either packing away your NY Rangers gear, or you’re donning your rally cap.
4) Grill a burger. Put bacon on it… cheese if you like. Then put more bacon on it. Ask Diff Matt, West Coast Craig, and jgclancy if you need further direction. If you think there’s not enough bacon.. there’s not enough bacon. And no.. there can NEVER be TOO much bacon.
3) Ponder why NBA basketball is still going on. Also ponder why the Nets could have an arena built in Brooklyn so fast and they can make the move from New Jersey, yet.. the 2nd Avenue Subway is.. well… you heard the joke about it on Mad Men.
2) Plot a hit on Justin Bieber. After he visited the Anne Frank house, he said this: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.‘ FOR. F*CKING. REAL?! I mean, we all knew he was a little twerp before but this is just too much. He must be erased.
1) Bathing suits and tanning butter. ‘Nuff said. Ask Angry Ward for any direction needed here, too.
And with that… I’m going to make the best of this weekend. BBQ’s, booze, bikes and bikinis… because that’s how I roll. Roll on back tomorrow for the holiday weekend words of Preacher Collins.