Angry Ward Wednesday: A (Sorta) Sports Tribute to Elmore Leonard

Tigers win 84 series Leonard_Elmore
Foreword by Elmore Leonard

Elmore Leonard was a huge Detroit Tigers fan. Click this.

NEW YORK, NY – The great Elmore Leonard passed away last week at the ripe old age of 87, not that any of you Philistines noticed. Writing up until the very end (which is sometimes how I see things tracking out for me with this site) Leonard was prolific, with over 40 novels and other assorted short fiction to his name, many of which were turned into movies. He left us with countless colorful characters and some of the most memorable book titles of all time. In fact, his titles are so cool that one can easily use them to describe any number of things, even sports. Here, I’ll show ya:

Get Shorty. With my Fantasy Football draft coming up this weekend, one of the facets of my team I’m looking to improve is to get better and younger at wide receiver. Picking 5th overall, I’m not sure who will be available to me but would be more than happy to pick up diminutive  Colts receiver T.Y. Hilton (all 5′ 9″ of him) in this spot or go even shorter and take 5′ 8″ Rams wideout Tavon Austin. My draft motto this year, “go small or go home.”

Leonard Elmore first pitch

52 Pick-Up. On Sunday night in Los Angeles, ESPN broadcaster John Kruk was taken out of the booth on a stretcher, apparently the victim of dehydration. In his defense, it must take a lot of H2O to hydrate the big former big leaguer. In any event, it reportedly took 52 paramedics to pick Kruky up. Feel better, big guy.

Freaky Deaky. Also on Sunday night, this time in New York, Miley Cyrus turned the MTV Video Music Awards (MTV still shows music videos?) into her own personal freak show. Rather than list all the things she did with giant teddy bears, real people, and her tongue, let’s just say that there wasn’t much that she didn’t do. Also, if foam finger sales suddenly spike at major league ballparks, Miley should get a percentage.

Cyrus gives CFL Referee Robin Thicke a hand.

Rum Punch. Mike Tyson was in the news again, this time claiming that he’s a “vicious alcoholic.” He says he’s been lying to friends about being sober and feels as though he’s on the verge of dying. Not that this helps, but every single writer on this site can relate. Good luck with your sobriety, Mikey.

Out of Sight. Miguel Cabrera hit two titanic home runs against the Mets this past weekend, one of which apparently broke the lens on the Hubble Space Telescope. NASA officials say that they will be sending Bill “Spaceman” Lee up to fix it.

Stick. Last Friday, Sports Illustrated’s Tom Verducci wrote a piece concerning the New York Yankees’ barren farm system and the team’s inability to draft impact hitters. How bad is it? Since 1997 the best home run hitter drafted by the Yankees is… Shelley Duncan, with 43 career big league dingers to his name. elmore_leonardThe news isn’t much better when it comes to pitching. There are only four active starting pitchers in the majors who were drafted by the Yankees spanning the last 20 years or so, they are, Andy Pettitte, Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, and Zach McAllister. You can bet this kind of stuff wouldn’t have happened on Gene “Stick” Michael’s watch.

Cuba Libre. I’m parched. That’s all of this week kids. Happy Trails, Dutch.

Cam James, tomorrow.

Share Button
About Angry Ward 747 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.