Disney’s Angry Ward Island Has Sports Stars As Favorite Character

You’re going to Disney? First time? Fun. Get ready to be financially raped by Mickey Mouse.

Disneys Angry_Ward_Island Meet_The_Matts
Angry Ward Island: Thirsty Bruin III, The [Public] Professor, Lil Buddy Angry Ward, Skipper JG Clancy
West Palm Beach, FL – As most of you know, I don’t really need any Anger Enhancing Drugs (AEGs) to get my blood boiling. But lately I’ve been feeling pretty Zen about sports and life in general, and that’s just not good for anyone. As luck would have it, however, my even-keeled mood was about to be met head-on with our first ever family trip to Disney World this past weekend. Crisis averted.

On Saturday, ten intrepid souls (six adults and four kids) set out for Disney’s Wild Kingdom, where we saw all kinds of filthy animals… most of them clad in polyester. As I entered the front gate I received a call from my friend Dani in New York who said these exact words: “You’re going to Disney? First time? Fun. Get ready to be financially raped by Mickey Mouse.” It’s funny cuz it’s true. Anyway, we survived the first day and even managed to have some fun. Problem was, we were going back for Round Two the following day.

On Sunday we had our sights squarely set on visiting the Magical Kingdom (the one with the castle that you see on all the commercials) and my daughter’s personal agenda of meeting as many princesses as she could in the span of seven hours or so. Adding to our adventure was the fact that this turned out to be the hottest day of the year in Orlando thus far, which meant that we might finally get the answer to the question: “At what temperature does Mickey melt?” Right off the bat we got to meet a trio of Disney royalty in the forms of Rapunzel, Princess Aurora (that’s Sleeping Beauty to you), and Cinderella. Yours truly was even cajoled into taking a photo with the latter of the trio, so we had some sort of record that the Glass-slippered one survived not only an evil stepmother but also an Angry Ward. A pretty amazing lady, that one.

Cinderella and Baldilocks
Cinderella and Baldilocks

Anyway, as we walked around the mammoth park and ran across just about every Disney character in existence, I was struck by the similarities between these animated creations and various sports personalities. It was downright eerie. Here’s just a sample…

Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Fred and Jeff Wilpon in the cartoony flesh. I almost pulled them off a parade float and beat them senseless with my sneaker. Thank God my attention got distracted by hot Alice in Wonderland, which immediately raised the question, “Are these performers allowed to take the costumes home?”

Dumbo. Rex Ryan. Elephant and flying, for some reason I thought of Rex Ryan and the Jets.

Jessie from Toy Story 2. Anna Benson. Two feisty females who know how to handle guns.

Peter Pan. Short Matt. Do we really need to explain this one?

Dopey. Short Matt. Do we really need to explain this one?

Stitch. Cheesy Bruin. No one on this site has more stitches than Cheesy Bruin. Nice try, Grote2Max.

Wreck-It Ralph. Mike Tyson. Never met anyone or anything that he didn’t try to smash to bits with his hands.

Bambi. Lance Alworth. You youngsters out there can look this one up.

In any event, it was an educational trip all the way around. Looks like Dark n’ Stormy time. See ya next week.

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About Angry Ward 751 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.