EL BARIO, BRONX – Last week, we looked at the Christmas Wishlist of the New York Teams. It was a very New York-centric piece, so the parishioners complained to yours truly, Deacon Blaber. It was request that I take a more national view to the plight of sports fans of horrible teams when preaching from my bully pulpit. So today, we reach out to all the sporting masses of the nation and discuss the New Year Resolution for the Worst Pro Teams. For starters they all pledge to not suck in 2014 as much as they suck now/in 2013.
MLB: The Houston Astros. Where do you even begin with the Astros?! 26th overall in runs and batting average, 28th in slugging % and 29th in OBP. It makes you think that they immediately need hitting. However, check out their pitching numbers ERA 30th, Quality Starts 26th, WHIP 30th and BAA 28th. So for the suffering fan, the Astros resolve to get a proper DH. They will get hitters and dedicate themselves to be more entertaining losers. This is Texas after all, fans rather lose 5-4 than 2-0.
NBA: The Milwaukee Bucks are one of the worst teams in basketball. They have one more win than I have fingers on one hand (and don’t say 7, ya clowns!). The Bucks resolve to to give their fans more entertaining points. Dunks, fancy lay-ups and alley-oops. There will be now refunds but there will be more SportsCenter highlights.
NFL: The Houston Texans can at least guarantee their fans the #1 pick and no more Gary Kubiack. Now, will they use it on a defensive end again? That is unlikely. The Texans promise to get take a QB and start slinging the ball around better. They will also get Brian Cushing and the rest of the defense back on PEDs to ensure they stay in games. Hopefully this will help them finish 6-10 and build toward the future.
NHL: The Buffalo Sabres and their season will be fiercely defended by DJ Eberle. The poor kid has Buffalo and Western New York in his make-up, so he had no choice when it came to selecting a team. The Sabres will dedicate their New Year to playing better defense and getting better defensemen. This won’t mean they will win games but it will provide their stud goalie, Ryan Miller, with a little help. That is all Miller is asking for.
That is it for now, feel free to comment below and come back tomorrow for the one and only, Cheesy Bruin and his NFL Picks, be warned though, he will probably tell you to bet on Dallas.