NEW YORK, NY – This weekend is a biggie for football for some of us on this site. While we’ll all watch, myself and bosoxbruins04 have a vested interest… and then there’s that other game. Apologies to any San Fran and Seattle fans I have not mentioned but I’m drawing a blank here… And rather than focus on my team’s Achilles Heel of a schizophrenic and sometimes narcoleptic defense, I thought I’d take a look at the 5 Excellent Reasons the Broncos Will Go to the Super Bowl.
5) Traffic Jam?! What Traffic Jam?! Barring bearing a truckload of cronuts as gifts for Governor Chris Christie, people are going to have a SERIOUSLY hard time getting into or out of Dirty Jerz for The Christinator’s created traffic jams as well as the beefed up security. (Whatchu got Tom Brady?! BAWSTON BAKED BEANS and a flat chested, self-inflated supermodel wife?! ) You bet any other team or Super Bowl attendee will be lacking for ways to get to
Frigidaire, Giants Met Life Stadium. But. Oh. No. Not my Broncos. Lest you forget, their mascot is a HORSE. A REAL. FL*CKING. HORSE. And it’s WHITE. Hear me now, Blaber?! So:
Traffic Jam + Horse +Bicycle Lane = My Team Wins Any Race to the Stadium.
And we ALL know that the early bird gets the Vince Lombardi Trophy. NEXT!
4) No BAGS in Giants Stadium.When I went to the Giants/Cowboys “game” in December, you know – on the COLDEST DAY EVER in New York, I was told I could not carry my purse in. MY PURSE. Pretty much any sized purse. NOT ALLOWED. What was allowed? Little, clear bags Meth Bags you could buy for a MINT inside and around the stadium. What a racket! Alas… no bags at the ‘Bowl either. Heck, if you’re going to the game, you might get a REALLY good pat down going through Super Bowl Security…so.. there’s that. But what does all this mean to my Broncos and their being better suited to go?!?! Well if Gisele Bundchen can’t bring her bag to the game, then she can’t carry Tom Brady’s balls into the game for him. Advantage = BRONCOS.
3) Front Office Stud: While some smart ass on this site (insert-nominated-jokester-here) might say “Mr. Horseface Elway is the PERFECT ‘face’ for the Broncos,” I say…”Screw you,” and “Hells, yeah he is!” Denver’s VP of Football Operations would no better extend his famed sports career by holding that Lombardi Trophy as part of operations. Yeah…. I think it’d be great.
2) Peyton: Face it. There have been naysayers. Talk of the neck. Talk of the cold. Talk of him being old. Sure. He’s won one, but he’s thirty-seven now and this might be it for the guy. He’s got tons of records as a QB and he’s goddamn talented. Not to mention – a team doesn’t get to 13-3 without a good, all-round team. Pray the defense shows up strong and pull for Peyton and the boys. Yeah… my Broncs rallying around the Lombardi Trophy in victory is what I’m dreaming about these days.
1) Perish the Thought… Tom Brady and the Cheatin’ Pats: But really, isn’t it just everyone here pulling for the Broncos and hoping Tom Brady, Bill (Video) Bullycheck and the Cheatin’ Pats get STUFFED?!?! Do you want to see Tom Brady hoisting the trophy again?!?! Do you want to hear for like, eleventy-bajillion years (this number Diff Matt verified) how “Bawston is the greatest sports city in the world because we won the World Series & the Super Bowl all in one year?” No. NO ONE wants to hear that; no one wants to see that.
And with that, my case is made. I’ll ask Angry Ward to refrain from betting, in any way on my Broncos so as not to jinx them, and I ask for your thoughts and prayers should my team not pull through this weekend, as Mr. Cookie will have a hard time pulling me out of a drunken stupor for DAYS and really.. whose gonna take care of the kids?!?!
Come on back tomorrow for our Human Traffic Jam, Junoir Blaber!