SECRET BUNKER, FL – A man hunches over his desk, scribbling madly and chattering non-stop to himself. We see that it’s none other than the radio man for New York Yankees, John Sterling.
Don’t ‘cha know that Spring Training isn’t just for the players; play-by-play men must get in shape too… and I’ve got a lot of work. So many new players, so many new names, it’s hard coming up with something for them all and I can’t count on that screeching harpy to help out. Okay, okay, settle down, you can do this.
Jacoby Ellsbury… Humph. Jacoby Ellsbury. Elllllllllls Bury my balls at Wounded Knee! Uh, keep trying. It’s another lawsuit, from Jacoby and Meyers! Damn. If only we had a guy named Meyers… It’s the Ellsbury Dough Boy, Poppin Fresh! Ah, The Post did it first… Jacoby jacked one off the wall! Over…over the wall! Dammit, I’ll screw that up on the air… Ellsbury explains the Jacobirds and the Jacobees. Too much. I’ll have to come back to him.
Who are some of these guys? What can I do with Slade Heathcott? Slades of Glory? Slade Runner? Heathcott Loves Lasagna? Wait, that was Heathcliff. Wait, no, that was Garfield. Forget it… Hopefully he won’t hit any home runs.
Then there’s Zoilo Almonte…let’s see. The mark of Zoilo! It’s… Almonte Python’s Flying Circus! Oh, these are practically writing themselves!
Now Brian McCann shouldn’t be too difficult. The McCandy Man can? You’re something sort of McCannish? Boy, I had it good with Granderson… McCan’t buy me love! How about: HeMcCann, Master of the Universe! Yes I McCann! McCann of corn! Uh… no, no, and no. Well, maybe the first one.
Too bad I don’t do these for pitchers, because this Tanaka could be fun. He’s built Tanaka Tough! Ooh, or: Masa-you’re my Hero!
Oh well, back to the boring position guys like… Brian Roberts. Some of these could be used for McCann too, like: Brian, leaves them cryin’, or Brian sends it flyin’, or maybe Brian’s hot like cayenne. You know, I could use another song. let’s stick with The Beatles: He’s a man you must believe, helping everyone in need, no one can succeed like Doctor Roberts!
Now for Kelly Johnson. He shouldn’t be so tough. Kelly Johnson goes Kelly Leak! Hmm, put a pin in that one… No More Tears! Not bad. Johnson is a Masters! That’s a stretch. Johnson is good, Van Johnson good! A Mickey Rooney Simpsons reference probably isn’t the best idea. But you know my Johnson is thick and hard like a diving board, with good suspension like a Honda Accord! Now that’s just old school enough to work.
Carlos Beltran… Okay, this is easy, right? It’s a belt from Beltran… oy, too obvious. He made like my father and took a Belt-tran to the ball… perhaps too much information. It’s a Tran-legacy! Shoot, nobody saw it. That ball went long like Tran-tric sex… Hmm, America’s not ready for that. Yet. Think, damn you, think! The Kitten Bowl wasn’t this tough. I got it! It’s a belt from Beltran! Sterling, you’ve done it again!
Come tomorrow for Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson… the Sandy Man can!
