Angry Ward Wednesday: Peyton Retires, Sharapova Dopes, Peeping Pays

"Hey Dad, Minecraft is awes.... ahhhhhh!!!!"
Sharapova: Let Chelsea Handler.

BRONX, NY – In a bad mood. Hurtin’. Hungry. Running low on grog. Good time to write. Let’s get to it.

Peyton Manning Retires. Good riddance. Get on with hawking horrible pizza, waiting for sexual misconduct and doping allegations to subside, and micromanaging your son’s football career the way your Dad did. But, for the love of God, stay retired. You sucked in SB 50! You’re done. Stay done. Please.

Maria Sharapova. Our own onetime hotchacha contributor Cookie gleefully texted me this on Monday: “Your girl is a doper. Honestly, this could have meant anyone from Jessica Lange (who I worshiped during her -’70s-’80s heyday) to Zenyatta (a great filly race horse) to any number of adult motion picture starlets (because I like to keep it classy)… but it instead concerned Maria Sharapova. Though she isn’t exactly “my girl” I like her the same way any other red-blooded fella might like a 6′ 2” (really?) Russian tennis ice princess. Anyway, she tested positive for something called Meldonium (a performance enhancer used by Gin Rummy players like The Flamingo Kid) and has been suspended. This is kind of a big deal because she has been the highest paid female athlete for 11 years in a row (!!! Serena should be pissed) earning $28.7 million in 2015. The bigger deal is that $23 million of that total is from endorsements and, with the likes of Nike and Porsche suspending their contracts with her, she stands to take a big hit financially. I could really care less. But this also means that she may be disqualified from playing for Mother Russia in the Rio Summer Olympics. No Zika Virus for you, Missy! That’ll learn ya.

Lange in King Kong. The Ape had a good eye.
Lange in King Kong. The Ape had a good eye.

Brave(s) Fan Saves Clueless Kid from Bat Attack. If you haven’t seen it by now, Atlanta Braves fan Shaun Cunningham saved his son, Landon (of course that’s his name) from being brained by a bat that slipped out of the hands of Pittsburgh Pirate Danny Ortiz during a Spring Training game. If you ask me, this is just another example of helicopter parenting. Look at the photo. You’ve got to let these kids learn some things on their own, like stop looking at your stupid cell phone and start paying attention to the game! God knows what will now become of young Landon.  He’ll probably vote for Bristol Palin in 2024. The horror.

"Hey Dad, Minecraft is awes.... ahhhhhh!!!!"
“Hey Dad, Minecraft is awes…. ahhhhhh!!!!”

Erin Andrew Peep Show Pays Off! Former ESPN and current FOX Sports sideline “journalist” Erin Andrews just won $55 million from a Tennessee jury for being videotaped naked through the peephole of her Marriott Hotel room by some mouth-breather and having said footage posted forever on the “whack-a-mole,” never-gonna-go-away internet. Good for her… I guess. That should teach major hotel chains not to put pervs and substandard sideline reporters in the same wing anymore! In other news, I walk around in front of my windows in some form of undress almost constantly and have yet to get any internet props, or at least a few hundred bucks from my neighbors to invest in blinds.

That should just about do it for today. Return tomorrow for something with a lot more substance… I think.

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About Angry Ward 555 Articles
Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.