ZIT POP, KY – From this blemish of the smallest towns, to the schmaltzy cheese (not mine) of West Palm Beach, Presidential Candidates (or not so “Presidential” Candidates) are taking to soap boxes and podiums to expound upon their fitfulness/street creds , so that you will make him, her or it (Trump and Alf have never been photographed together) your next Commander-In-Chief. But before you cast your ballot and throw your life behind one of them, consider these Presidential Candidates As Sports Teams… and Who They Would Be.
John Kasich/St. Louis Cardinals: The Quiet Man of this Republican cluster bomb is well-mannered, detail oriented, successful and from the Midwest. His backers love him (I am one) and has a record that speaks for itself… The Cards are in the post-season hunt almost every year, mold and sculpt their young players with a sound plan for the future. As fundamentally sound and prepared in what they do as Kasich has been during campaigning and debates.
Donald Trump/Washington Redskins: Political correctness he lacks. A bombastic wealthy man since his salad years, the brown/red spray-tanned business mogul is emotional and unafraid, whether he is liked. As protests and flying fists capture headlines, specifics in turning the country around are painfully absent when The Donald spews his promises. Once an owner of a USFL franchise, the New Jersey Generals, Trump helped sink the league into the abyss with an aggressive business model for an alternative league in its infancy. Only fitting, is it to pair The Political Apprentice to a football team. Connections abound to the Redskins: a young, spoiled owner in Daniel Snyder, unwilling to see the political correctness at having a Native American as a logo in the nation’s capital no less. The ‘Skins fail more often than they succeed.
Hillary Clinton/New England Patriots: There are many stories/scandals attached to this twat and she makes me want to put a foot through the television every time I hear her talk. Hill’s tone of voice is almost a shriek and her cadence is evangelical, especially when hammering a point on any given issue. Her smile is as phony as her emails and spin on Benghazi. There are questions surrounding the foundation hubby Bubba founded and is being labeled a hush-fund by watchdog groups…. The Clinton Machine is not dissimilar to the Patriots… Robert Kraft is the team’s slick-dressing, silver-tongued owner and can be likened to Bill Clinton. Hillary’s problematic servers are like under-inflated footballs. A pulverized Tom Brady cell phone had some clues but remain untraceable in the cover-up. Then there is the spy-gate that helped the Pats win a Super Bowl and kept the team on the dais, much like the Clintons are all too often. There’s a lot going on with the Patriots – past and present – with none seeming to stick just like Billary. Former tight end Aaron Hernandez is now a guest of the state rotting in prison for murder. The Pats are cheaters, conspirators and criminals just like the Clintons.
Bernie Sanders/Oakland Raiders: He’s old, he’s crazy, and he’s a socialist/communist. A radical anti-establishment type, Sanders has Al Davis written all over him – minus the mafia-style velour sweat suit. I’d love to see Bernie pull the look off in a remake of Weekend At Bernie’s, though. Raider Nation, with their spike-studded leather, aren’t much different than Sanders’ young disciples carrying his so-called Democratic mission.
Ted Cruz/New York Jets: I’m not certain but Cruz looks like a cross between former WWF manager Paul Bearer and Pinocchio. He won his Senate seat once just like Joe Namath and the Jets did the Super Bowl a very long time ago and all have been big losers since.