STAMFORD, CT – From Dick Trickle to God Shammgod to DeWanna Bonner, there have been some great sports names over the years. And recently, there have been some quality additions. Here are my favorite 3 New Great Sports Names.
Rock Ya Sin
The Colts took the Temple cornerback in the second round. And while he hasn’t had an interception, he does have an amazing name. Rock Ya Sin sounds like a professional wrestler, or better yet, an ‘80s song by the Scorpions. I think it would go something like this:
Woke up in a strange bed don’t know where I’ve been,
I told myself I’d never do it again,
I guess I’ll pour myself another glass of gin,
Whatchu gonna do but Rock Ya Sin?
Rock Ya, Rock Ya, ROCK YA SIN
It practically writes itself.
Kaapo Kakko
The Rangers and Devils not only had to choose between two great prospects with the top picks in the last draft, they had to choose between a guy with the most American sounding name ever, Jack Hughes, and the most non-American sounding name ever, Kaapo Kakko. Both teenagers have already shown flashes of brilliance and look headed for stardom. I’m not sure which one will turn out to be the better player, but the Rangers have the guy with the better name.
Kaapo Kakko sounds like something Hitler said when he found out the Allies recaptured France. Or a Scandinavian porn star. Or the guy the KGB sends in when things really go off the rails.
[The young KGB field agent enters the room and nervously approaches the Director].
Agent: Comrade Director. The Americans have infiltrated the operation.
[The Director takes a long drag from his cigarette, his expression is unchanged.]
Director: Get me Kaapo Kakko.
I’ve already had to look up his name five times to see if the consecutive A’s are in his first or last name. The Finn showed off a pair of ridiculous hands with a breakaway goal and then he potted the game winner in OT against the Penguins last week. I’ll never tire of Sam Rosen scream-spitting “Goal, Kaapo Kakko.”
De’Coldest ToEvaDoit Crawford
No, I’m not making this one up. De’Coldest is a WR headed to LSU. He says his Mom came up with the name because she knew he’d be the best athlete in the family. Nobody paid much attention until someone noticed his middle name and now he’s an internet sensation.
If I were ever given this type of name in my lifetime, it might be something like:
De’Quickest InDaSack
De’Fastest ToFallAsleepOnThanksgiving
De’Ripper OfToxicFarts
The MTM Research Department has been unable to verify the existence of De’Coldest’s brothers De’Damn RubberBroke and We’Were HopingForAGirl Crawford.
I could honestly do this all day. But I’ll stop.
Come by tomorrow for Angry Ward, who once roadied for a Scorpions tribute band in the midwest. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.
