Angry Ward Wednesday: I Have Not Come Here to Bury the NFL… for Once. Plus Kevin Durant Goes Corona

Philip Rivers, Angry_Ward, Kevin_Durant, Meet_The_Matts, nuns, Chargers

PALM BEACH, FL – Greetings from God’s Waiting Room, which may be forced to relinquish that title, given the current pandemic. It’s getting weirder by the day on planet Earth and in these United States. I mean, if we’re going to be forced to live out a bad 1990s “everyone’s gonna die” movie, at least make Morgan Freeman President. We were promised Morgan Freeman!!! Anyway, it’s tough times for everyone, including sports fans, though they/we are wayyy down the totem pole. No sports means fewer distractions, which ain’t good in times like these. But, in the midst of all of the chaos an unlikely hero has appeared, in the most unlikely form, the National Football League.

I have spent countless columns and words trashing everything in the NFL, from it’s horrible commissioner to its meat grinder culture to billionaire owners like Bob Kraft, Woody Johnson and others, who line up to go down on Trump’s deformed mushroom wee wee. There’s just so much to hate. But this week the NFL came up big, by having one of its craziest player movement news cycles ever. Let’s get personal business out of the way first.

Philip Rivers, Angry_Ward, Kevin_Durant, Meet_The_Matts, nuns, Chargers

Norse Trading. My Vikings did two big things the last couple of days. First, they gave Kirk Cousins a two-year extension in order to free up cap room, doom the franchise for three more years, and give me raging hypertension. This move facilitated the next one, which was trading wide receiver Stefon Diggs to the Buffalo Bills. Yes, they got a lot of picks in return, but there are no guarantees there, especially with receivers. *See: Treadwell, Laquon and Williamson, Troy, among others. Hated to see the guy who gave this team its (sadly) greatest winning moment in franchise history sent packing, but Diggs knew Cousins is a fraud and talked himself out of town. Too bad his new town is Buffalo. Life’s a b!tch.

Teddy B. Carolina Bound, Cam Unhappy. So, as of this writing, it appears Teddy Bridgewater is going to sign with the Carolina Panthers for a lot of money and… Cam Newton is not psyched about it. There are no surprises in either of these developments. Teddy might be the perfect QB for a team that runs its entire offense through RB Christian McCaffrey. Teddy will be great getting passes to his all-everything back and managing the game. Newton will be great at being moody and wanting out. It’s a win-win.

Tom_Brady, Alex_Guerrero, Meet_The_Matts, Patriots, Angry_Ward

Jason Witten a Raider. You know, I’m not even going to talk about this. There’s too much else going on and… who cares about Jason Witten?

Indianapolis 500. This is how many kids Phil Rivers is going to have when he finishes playing for the Colts. I’m here all week, folks! Don’t forget to tip your bartenders.

Last Tango in Tampa. Is Tom Brady gonna sign with Tampa Bay? If so, how much are they going to pay him? Hint: Way too much. Also, would he be going to Stripperville, USA because no one in Tampa would bat an eye at a shady trainer/partner like Alex Guerrero? Yeah, probably. Plus setting up shop along Florida’s Gulf Coast is the perfect place to peddle your “stay young forever” snake oil. If Brady ends up here AND wins a Super Bowl for Tampa Bay, I promise to sign a 10-year extension with Meet The Matts.

Tampa Bay, Tom Brady, Coronavirus, Covid-19, Kevin Durant, Meet_The_MattsHoly newsflash! As I’m writing this, four Brooklyn Nets have tested positive for #Coronavirus, including Kevin Durant. Jesus. I can think of a few jokes, but this is no joking matter. Stay safe everyone.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is a very safe bet to talk about this last story.

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About Angry Ward 554 Articles
Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.