STAMFORD, CT – Sure, Trump got the boot. (Special shout out to my great great grandfather Jebediah for crawling out of his grave to vote in Philadelphia. ) But I still don’t trust 2020. I think we’re getting set up for the haymaker. The Supreme Court is going to give Trump 4,000 emergency electoral votes. Sports won’t be exempted from the late 2020 carnage. Here are some terrible sports things that are coming in 2020 right when we let out guard down. Look out.
Football Follies
The Giants win the NFC East, only to have the league decide to add another wild card in place of the NFC East champ. “This was like watching the four most unathletic kids in school beat up on each other. The winner doesn’t get a shot at the heavyweight title,” quipped Goodell.
The Jets get the top pick and instead of taking Trevor Lawrence from Clemson, they take Johnny Lawrence from Kobra Kai. Hey, he’d probably be more useful than Darnold. Get him a body bag.
In spite of the late rally vs the Jets, Cam Newton is benched for Jason Stidham, who leads the Pats to eight straight regular seasons wins and another Super Bowl. Belichick says “I could win with Ryan Leaf, Dave Brown or Uncle Rico at QB,” in what some people interpreted as a joke.
Buffalo has a surprise December heat wave. Josh Allen gets a sun blister on his throwing hand and starts turning it over like the offspring of Danny Jones and Jameis Winston. The Pats win the AFC East.
Baseball Buffoonery
Steve Cohen comes to his senses and decides not to buy the Mets. The team is sold instead to a consortium of Eric Trump, A-Rod & J-Lo, Ted Nugent, and AC Slater from Saved by the Bell. They move the team to AC and change the name to the Atlantic City Aces.
Planned Promotions for Next Season
Sexy Saturdays: J-Lo and A-Rod Sexy Salsa Dance around the bases
AC Slater Flex Off: Five lucky fans are chosen at random for a flexing contest with the mighty bo-hunk.
Ted Tuesdays: Nugent plays an extended version of Cat Scratch Fever, stopping after ever chorus to give you his take on current events.
Super Sundays: Eric begs the fans for money to help his father fight election injustice/pay off campaign debts.
The Yankees let DJ LeMahieu sign with the Red Sox because he doesn’t strike out enough. They ignore pitching and bring on right handed sluggers Nelson Cruz and George Springer. Cashman moves the short porch to left field and buys the copyrights for “The House that (Judge, Cruz, Stanton, Springer) Built.”
MSG Meltdowns
James Dolan finds a potion of longevity that adds 100 years to his life. He announces that Isiah Thomas and Phil Jackson will be brought back as Co-GMs for $100 million dollars per year each. Jackson gets a clause in his contract stipulating that he doesn’t actually have to do anything and still gets paid, even after his death
Henrik Lundqvist, in the midst of a horrendous season in Washington, takes his frustrations out on the Rangers. On the same shift, Henrik decapitates phenom Alexis Lafreniere and cuts off Kaapo Kakko’s leg. Henrik is given a 2 minute minor and is smuggled back to Sweden the following morning. Mika Zibanejad goes with him. Henrik later releases a “99 Reasons NY Sucks” video on his brand new IG account.
It’s gonna be bad. That’s it for me. Swing over tomorrow for Angry Ward and his wonderful think piece, Who Would Win in a Fight, Johnny Lawrence or AC Slater? Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts
