Big Ben Tuesday: Three [Alleged] Massive Lies from Three Jerk Football Coaches

BEN-WHITNEY, Meet-The-Matts, Dabo-Swinney, Romeo-Crennel, Doug-Pederson, Joe-Judge, Google

STAMFORD, CT – There was some fantastic football this weekend, followed by a whole lot of lies. I know coaches don’t like to admit they screwed up, but this weekend was special. The stream of [alleged] lies flowed out of their mouths like untreated sewage. Let’s take a look at the three most egregious ones.

1. Doug Pederson

No chance

Yes, I was Coaching to Win

Let’s start with this whopper. No, you facking weren’t. Sure, the Eagles had no reason to help the Giants, but don’t BS us, pal. It was obvious to anyone who had functioning eyes and saw a Nate Sudfeld dropback that Pederson was not really trying to win the game.

Oh, you wanted to see what you had in Sud the Dud? Well the question was answered pretty quickly and there were several opportunities to go back to Jalen Hurts, still within one score. Sudfeld could not have looked more overwhelmed if he were playing in high heels and the defenders were armed with crossbows.

Pederson added: “If there’s anyone out there that thinks that I was not trying to win the game, Ertz is out there, Brandon Graham’s out there, Darius Slay’s out there, our top guys are still on the field at the game.”

Well, not all of your top guys. This just in from the Really Fecking Obvious Department: if you’re playing to win the game, Hurts would have been in there. And you might try something besides a ficking four yard checkdown on the final play.

A lot of people have been saying things like “The Giants can only blame themselves for being in that situation.” No focking sh!t, Sherlocks. It is true of course, but it’s irrelevant. It’s like saying “The cops could have prevented the murder if they caught the murderer selling drugs two weeks ago.” How we ended up there isn’t important, the murder still happened.

In 10th grade I had a thing for a girl named Christine Mendelbaum. On our third date I was hoping to get to second base. Sure, I could have taken her to McDonald’s and to see The Terminator. But I had a much better chance of closing the deal if I took her to Red Lobster and then Sixteen Candles. Sure, they could have pulled off a miracle with Sudfeld under center -stranger things have happened – but the chances were much better with the guy who had already put it in the end zone twice. Not to mention, pulling the upset gives your young QB a big positive to build on for 2021. Eagles players had to be restrained from confronting Pederson after the game.

It doesn’t mean you’re saying the Giants deserved to make the playoffs to point out that it was a douche move by Dougie. In the words of Clint Eastwood in The Unforgiven, “Deserves got nothing to do with it, kid.

You didn’t see the Texans, and their banged-up superstar Desean Watson, lying down. Said Joe Judge, “We will never do that as long as I am the head coach of the New York Giants.” Damn right.

Doug Pederson, you are a lying b*tch [allegedly].

2. Dabo Swinney

I don’t regret any of that

This was Dabo’s response when asked if he regretted his comments about Ohio State not deserving to be in the playoff and ranking them 11th. Oh really Dabo? No regrets after that 11 seed kicked the ever loving sh!t out of you?

It wasn’t even a bad point. It’s true that a bigger slate of games provides more opportunities for a slip up and OSU only played six. But I think it was pretty clear they were playing with a massive chip on their shoulders, thanks in part to his dumb comments. That was not the same team that struggled for most of the game against Northwestern (apart from Trey Sermon).

If he doesn’t regret giving OSU that motivational bulletin board fodder, then he’s an idiot. Maybe it affected the game, maybe it didn’t. Just say you have great respect for the other team and then shut up. That’s all you have to do.

Dabo Swinney, you are completely full of sh!t. [allegedly]

3. Romeo Crennel

No, he’s the fastest guy we have in our backfield, that’s why we had him matched up on their speed guy. We just got beat.

Texans Interim HC Crennel said this when asked if his CB should have had some help on AJ Brown’s big catch that set up the winning field goal. To recap, the Texans had just tied it and there were 18 seconds left. The Titans were on their own 25. Romeo thought it was a good idea to play man-to-man with no safety help on the Texans’ biggest deep threat. Have I got that right?

Is that TC from Magnum PI?

I’m so confused. This is Football 101. Are all coaches hired away from New England forced to submit to the memory eraser thing from Men In Black before they walk out the door? Was Gregg Williams brought on as a Defensive Coordinator Consultant – Final Two Minutes Specialist? I need answers.

If there was a valid reason for playing man coverage with no help in that situation, I’m all fycking ears. But don’t sit there and tell me with a straight face it wasn’t a mistake to have no safety help there because your cornerback is fast. Kudos to the Texans for playing to win this game, but what a crock of absolute sh!t.

Romeo Crennell, you are a god-damned liar. [allegedly]

That’s it for me. I’m fired up for some good playoffs match-ups. I’m also fired up for Angry Ward, who’ll be in this space tomorrow. Follow us on Twitter at @BenWhit8, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

BEN-WHITNEY, Meet-The-Matts, Dabo-Swinney, Romeo-Crennel, Doug-Pederson, Joe-Judge, Google

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About Ben Whitney 259 Articles
Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.