Big Ben Tuesday: Six Moves to Fix the Yankees

BRONX, NY – The sports radio stations were apoplectic after the NY Yankees lost two of three to the Orioles. My initial reaction was all, “Bru, it’s been 10 games. No one would even notice a 5-5 stretch in the middle of the season.” But a reasonable, somewhat measured take doesn’t get the clicks, so I quickly jumped on board the Doom -N- Gloom Express. Here are Five Moves to Fix the Yanks. Hey Steinbrenners, DM me.

 

Lucky Fan Lineup Cards

Donaldson, Hicks, LeMahieu, and Rizzo have all led off already this year. The Yankees lineup makers have been less decisive than Jeff Lebowski at a Taco Bell at 3 am. Part of the problem is the roster. They’ve got an extra everyday player so someone good has to sit every game. I bet they love that. Why not let one lucky fan pick the lineup? It can’t be any more random. Don’t get me wrong, the Yankees should be able to sweep the Slot Online with my dog Chief making the lineup. This is a team with a payroll the size of Giancarlo Stanton’s walking around money. But how about some damn consistency, fellas?

Cut Aaron Judge

Judge is a damn good player, but if seven years at $30 million per is not even close, then maybe they should cut bait now. The guy has driven in 100 runs once. Cashman should send a message to the other players so they know this kind of greed will not be tolerated. It would also take care of the extra player problem. Two birds, one stone.

Replace John Sterling with Gerrit Cole

With Cole’s monster contract and rapidly decreasing skills, sans Spider-Tac, this situation is going to muck up the balance sheet for years. The Yanks could get more value by putting Cole in John Sterling’s spot in the radio booth. Sterling is a drunken homer buffoon, liked by no one, who couldn’t accurately describe an intentional walk. Cole showed some personality on opening day when he had a meltdown because the game was delayed for eight seconds. It might be fun? And if it doesn’t work out, at least Sterling is gone and we don’t have to watch Cole struggle through three and a third, making about $400,000 per pitch.

Shock Gallo

I don’t effing care how many walks Joey Gallo takes, I can’t watch him strike out one more time. Let’s put an electric shock device on his nuts and give him a zap for every pitch he let’s pass without swinging. I’d rather see him swing at three pitches over his head than watch him take hittable pitches to work the count full, and then flail at a slider two feet off the plate. Swing the damn bat, guy.

Change Kiner-Falefa’s Name

I’m pretty sure announcers would rather would rather work through the names of a Russian hockey team over saying Kiner-Falefa’s name. It’s weird. Nobody likes the hyphen and it’s bringing bad mojo. Let’s just do one of those “your new baseball name is your favorite color plus the last thing you ate” internet things. Isiah Kiner-Falefa, your new baseball name is Blue Artichoke.

Replace Boone with a Magic 8 Ball

I don’t know how much control Aaron Boone actually has, but it’s clearly not a lot. He’s always yammering about “we thought” this and “we planned” that. I miss the days of old school Lou Brown types who went with their gut. “I know Vaughn hasn’t done well against this guy, but I’ve got a hunch he’s due.” (I know it’s a fictional character, work with me.) Boone is a figurehead marionette just there to bite the bullet and throw clichés to the media. He’s not actually making decisions, so why not replace him with one of those magic 8 ball toys? The Yanks will be a lot more fun to watch at least.

Brian Cashman: Manager Magic 8-Ball, should we let Cole go out for the fourth inning?
Magic 8-Ball: Outlook not very good.
BC: Hit the showers Gerrit, you’re done. Great job. 

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About Ben Whitney 312 Articles
Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.