NOTE: To reiterate, the above photo is NOT A.I. generated. It’s from the MTM Graphic Department. The only difference is that it took an hour to make in Photoshop, rather than 10 minutes via ChatGPT.
PALM BEACH, FL – I’m down here in Florida winding up a brief stay with my lovely in-laws. Was planning on calling out sick on Wednesday, but what the hell. I think I have enough time and wine to crank something out. Let’s take a shot.
As my headline implies, man oh man are there a lot of open jobs in the NFL right now. I’m also, coincidentally, looking for a new gig. Though I lack any real football experience outside of playing equipment-less tackle with my friends after school every day back in the ’80s—which might disqualify me for most positions—surely a razor-sharp organization like the Cleveland Browns would consider me for Head Coach. They could certainly do worse (as we’ve seen) and I’d cost only a fraction of what Deshaun Watson is making. Let’s look at some other openings.
Pittsburgh Steelers QB. The assumption here is that Aaron Rodgers has played his last NFL game and is finally f***ing off into the sunset. I thank the Houston Texans for their service. But now who takes over at QB, especially now that they don’t even have a coach? There’s slim pickings in the draft and no way is Mason Rudolph the answer. Is there a Bubby Brister Jr.? And is he ready? If not, maybe they take a shot with another Grampa like Joe Flacco.
Miami Dolphins Head Coach. I’m personally gonna miss Mike McDaniel. Detroit should hire him yesterday to be their new OC. He’s good and he’s pretty hilarious. But who takes the Dolphins HC job? I think a guy like Robert Saleh could get another shot. Barring that, let Ron DeSantis take over. He’s a truly inspirational leader. Then install Crockett and Tubbs as coordinators. Who says “no” to this… especially in Florida?
Baltimore Ravens Offensive Coordinator. I’m confident I can do this job. I hate AI, but am also confident AI-aided Junior Blaber would work. I just hope someone with half a brain gets it and gets that sledgehammering Derrick Henry into opposing defenses, and play action passing off of that, will win A LOT of games.
New York Giants Head Coach. It’s Harbaugh or Short Matt. Too close to call, really.
Las Vegas Raiders Head Coach. I’d really like to see owner Mark Davis take over the NFL’s Titanic, but aren’t they still paying Jon Gruden a fortune? Just make him come back to work!
Hey look at this box from the man who sent us the 1st ever box!
The new head coach of the UCONN HUSKIES Jason Candle sent us this package and it is awesome!
Good luck in your new gig with @UConnFootball Coach Candle and GO HUSKIES! pic.twitter.com/wrAliJRbE0
— Jon Gruden (@BarstoolGruden) January 12, 2026
Philadelphia Eagles #1 Receiver. There’s no way in hell that AJ Brown is coming back to Philly next year. He wants to get into the HOF and that ain’t happening where he is right now. The Patriots should definitely think about pairing him with fellow mercurial headcase Stefon Diggs. Vrabel already coached him. As for the Eagles, Devonta Smith is good, but he’s no #1. I’ll leave it to our resident Eagle fans to answer this one.
That’s it for me. See ya, next week. Come back tomorrow for everybody’s buddyroo, Mr. Buddy Diaz!
