BRONX, NY – I’d like to start today by wishing a belated “Happy Birthday!” to my buddy, Gus. I’m sure he forgives me for being a couple of days late and a few dollars short. After all, he knows this is my crazy time of year. Anyway, he doesn’t have much to complain about. His amazin’ Astros are 4.5 games up on my scrappy Mariners in the mighty American League West, a division where every single team has a double-digit NEGATIVE run differential. What a time to be alive! Let’s see what else is afoot.
Kyler Murray Named Vikings Starting QB. Wheeeee! I know JG Clancy is thrilled with this news. It brings together two of his favorite things: the Minnesota Vikings and anyone who’s successfully escaped Arizona. Honestly, I smell a Super Bowl. Everyone is going to be so preoccupied with the Rams and the return of Patrick Mahomes and Dallas sucking again, that they won’t even notice a diminutive purple gremlin flinging the ball all over the damn place in Minneapolis.
The Mets Are Playing Better. This is actually true. In fact, just the other day, the Mets won their first season series against the Braves since 2017. That’s great and pathetic all at the same time. I love when that happens! So, yeah, the Mets are clearly playing better baseball… and without Juan Soto. Coincidence? It matters not. What does matter is that, despite this glimmer of respectability, the Mets are still in dead last in the NL East, 6 games behind the Nationals. So you can all go back to watching Gilligan’s Island reruns until next year.
J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets, Jets! Yesterday I saw my neighbor wearing a Jets jersey and I genuinely started laughing. I couldn’t stop. It was the best laugh I’ve had in a long time, and I thanked him for it. That’s it. That’s the story.
Romo’s Odyssey. For those of you who have been living in an Aaron Rodgers Darkness Retreat, CBS lead football analyst, and former Dallas Cowboy smirking choke artist, Tony Romo has been placed on leave after being arrested on suspicion of operating a vehicle while under the influence. I honestly don’t see why this would be such a big deal to CBS, a network that has destroyed its reputation and turned the keys over to a bunch of trained chimps a long time ago. If I were Romo, I really wouldn’t worry. It’s only a matter of time before a certain former reality TV star picks up the phone and tells his employees at CBS: “Ya gotta reinstate Tony Roma. Great guy. Marvelous guy. I love his ribs.”
Now I’ve gone and made myself hungry. Are there any Ground Round restaurants still left? I never say “no” to free popcorn while I wait for my burger. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is more of a Bennigan’s guy.
