That’s just dumb. What a waste of time. They’re professional – they should have to throw it over the plate.” –Mrs. Short Matt
CRADLE OF LIBERTY, PA – We’re always looking for fresh perspectives on things in Mattville, and Mrs. Short Matt, who knows very little about sports, offers it in abundance. Last night she came up with a gem of an observance during a game that had already showcased Dumb Baseball Rules.
While we were editing the Cheesy Bruin Returns video, the story of a man that comes back to Major League Baseball after a 30-year boycott-turned-mancott and so much grief that he lost the ability to speak clearly, the match between the Bastards of Philadephia and New York Mets was on the MTM HQ Smart TV. It was during this game that the first of our Dumb Baseball Rules reared its ugly head.
Assdribble Cabrera hit a 274-foot moonshot of a 3-run bomb into the Richie Ashburn Little League Park RF bleachers… or did he? In just one of the latest and blatant attempts to Conspire Against NY (your guys too, Yankees fans), the MLB umpires convened for 46 minutes of review time. Apparently, a Phillies’ phan in the bleachers touched the ball with his glove, nullifying the 3-run Jack [Schmidt]. What?! Does anyone understand the implications of this ruling but us?! What this means is that we can go to a visiting park, use our big Mets foam #1 fingers, sit in a railing row and interfere with any ball hit by the opposing team! We can wreak havoc! Strategically-placed fans can actually help their team. That’s exactly what happened last night. That phan, who didn’t at impact the flight of the ball in the least, won the game for the City of Brotherly Bastards. Think for a minute… a Bill Belichick could do some serious damage with this. Simply ludicrous.
Later in the game, as the umpires continued to Conspire Against NY (more on that in the coming weeks) by ringing up the Mets batters on one high curveball after the next, the visitors from Flushing were placed in the precarious situation of needing a force play. Mrs. Short Matt, whom had just come in from dance rehearsal (no, not at Badda Bing), sat down with her vegan spread [ahem] and immediately brought to light another of our Dumb Baseball Rules. “That was an awful throw by the pitcher. Look, he did it again!” She was, of course, referring to the pitcher issuing the batter an Intentional Walk. After the pause for the “Are You Serious?” moment that all married couples have, it was determined that this was the first time Mrs. Short Matt had ever seen this strategic baseball maneuver. After hearing it explained, she shook her head and said, “That’s just dumb. What a waste of time. They’re professional – they should have to throw it over the plate.”
You know what? We tend to agree.
But we’d be remiss if we didn’t include one of Mrs. Short Matt’s best baseball observations. We were watching a game and she looked puzzled before offering this beauty, that left us simultaneously speechless and ponderous: “It’s night time. Why are they wearing hats? Do they have to wear them?” By Jove, she was on to something! The bills of that hats were necessitated by the game being played during the day – before the era of lighted ballparks, yet they are now apparently mandatory. Is this yet another of the Dumb Baseball Rules?
Feel free to comment below, follow us on the various socials media blah blah blahs, come back tomorrow for Director Peter Jackson’s tear-jerker/aforementioned video featuring Cheesy Bruin, a man who was lost, but now is found.
Oh yeah… The Islanders won. [Yawn].
