NEW YORK, NY – The Super Bowl is coming, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. I have zero rooting interest in either of these teams, but I suppose I’ll pull a tiny bit more for KC because Eagles fans are mostly the worst. Still, like everyone else, I’ll watch. It will be a mirthless affair filled with terrible numbers in my box pool, commercials I don’t care about, Doritos, and bourbon. When all is said and done one team will be champion and another Sunday will lay at my feet, good and murdered. Still… how about some bets? Here are some fresh new props just released today… here… on this site.
Chiefs Receivers Touchdowns. Over/Under 0
Andy Reid Nose Picking. Over/Under 6
How Long Before Racist Eagles Fans Turn on Jalen Hurts? Over/Under 1.5 years
How Many of Rihanna’s Halftime Songs Will I NOT Know. Over/Under 4 (psst… bet the over)
Domestic Violence at Your House? Odds: EVEN
Number of Times Kevin Burkhardt Mentions the Mets. Over/Under 1
Short Matt Gets Drunk. Vegas is not taking action on this, as it’s considered a mortal lock.
Will You Know the Person Singing the National Anthem? Yes: +140 No -140 I Won’t Be Watching the National Anthem -1000
In-Game Texts From Friends You’ll Respond To. Over/Under 6
Angry Ward Shuts off Game to Watch Hot Dog: The Movie. -200
What Color Will Short Matt’s Next-Day Hangover Puke Be? a) Yellow b) Olive Drab c) Orange d) Earth-Toned
Post-Super Bowl Sex with Significant Other? Odds: Slim to None… and Slim just left town, Jack.
Mecole Hardman Wins MVP. Just seeing if you’re still paying attention.
JG Clancy Chili Cheese Dog Consumption. Over/Under 4
Patrick Mahomes Gives Eric Bieniemy the Stink Eye. Odds: EVEN
Annoying Tom Brady Mentions. Over/Under 7
Angry Ward Wednesday Column Word Count. Over/Under 305
That’s all for today, kids. Come back tomorrow for Buddy D.
