Angry Ward Wednesday: I Hate Football

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Let's Go Mesh!

Let’s Go Mesh!

NEW YORK, NY – It’s official, I hate football. This comes as something of a surprise, in that football was my entire universe as a kid. Well, maybe not “entire,” I mean there was always room for Jaclyn Smith, Rachel Ward, and Cheryl Tiegs in a mesh bathing suit. Now, where was I? Oh yes, I hate football. Here we are in October and I am really hating football right now. I mean, it stinks on ice. How did this happen? Let’s take a look.

Purple Haze. I’m a Vikings fan, so it’s pretty much a miracle that I made it this far before turning on football. Back in the 1970s the Vikes played outdoors, had one of the greatest coaches in history in Bud Grant, and one of the best defenses ever in the Purple People Eaters. Sure they lost four Super Bowls, but at least back then they were getting to the Super Bowl! The last time Minnesota made it to the big game, I was nine, clutching a purple Nerf football, and watching a steroided-up Oakland Raiders tear my beloved team limb from limb. That was 1977! In the over 30 years since, Minny has lost four NFC Championship games in every excruciating way possible, hired moron coaches like Les Steckel, Dennis Green, and Brad Childress, and, worst of all, begged Brett Favre to play for them. They are currently 1-4 and in the process of wasting one of the greatest running backs to ever play the game. Last weekend they got blown out at home by Carolina, and this was with two whole weeks to prepare. They stink. Let’s move on.

This Bud's for you.

This Bud’s for you.

Feelin’ Blue. Speaking of stink, the Vikings play the 0-6 New York Giants this coming Monday, and I bet everyone at ESPN is psyched. I am a Giants season ticket holder (insert uncontrollable guffawing here) which means that my favorite team and the team I pay for tickets are a combined 1-10. Whoopee! Good news is, I sold my tickets to this game, and most of the others, prior to the season starting. Bad news is I sold these tickets to a New York City cop, so there’s most likely a wood shampoo or rubber hose beating in my future. Starting to get the picture?

The Grooveless Tube. Is it me or are most football announcers complete morons? I’d say no less than 85% of them are unlistenable. Have you ever heard Mike Mayock on the NFL Network? Hoo boy, is he a piece of work. Jon Gruden comes across as some sort of Aryan genetic experiment gone awry. But even those two guys are better than the endless cast of carnival curiosities that populate pre- and post-game shows. Finally, what genius at FOX decided it was their job to designate “America’s Game of the Week?” I lost count this past Sunday how many times I was reminded that the New Orleans/New England game was “America’s Game of the Week.” That’s pretty presumptive. As if anyone west of Shreveport gave a crap. Just like FOX, though, to tell America how it feels.

Fantasy Football. I’m not talking about Fantasy Football. Forget it! Who the hell named it Fantasy Football anyway? I haven’t seen such a blatant case of false advertising since Lionel Hutz’s lawsuit against the motion picture The Neverending Story.

Like Angry Ward, Lionel Hutz has a weakness for the brownest of the brown liquors.

Like Angry Ward, Lionel Hutz has a weakness for the brownest of the brown liquors.

Back to School. Oh well, there’s always college football, right? Wrong. Alabama is going to win another National title (*yawn*) and the folks that run the NCAA could suck the fun out of Christmas morning. Then there’s my local “football” team. I put football in quotes because I’m talking about Columbia University. These lovable losers have been losing for so long that I no longer find them lovable. This year the Lions are off to a rollicking 0-4 start, losing their last two games to Princeton and Lehigh by a combined score of 77-17. Lousy eggheads. Still, I’m so desperate to enjoy this autumn weather that I’ll probably drag my father in-law (who’s visiting this weekend) to see them play Penn this Saturday. God help me.

So there you have it. It’s October 16th and I’m done with football. Sad, sad, sad. Now, what’s this rugby stuff all about?

Cam James and his Cardinals ass-kissing, tomorrow.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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