Guest Columnist John Sterling Practices Schtick for New Yankees

30 Comments

4907eda8455bf8a6ab4922316e796c8bSECRET BUNKER, FL - A man hunches over his desk, scribbling madly and chattering non-stop to himself. We see that it’s none other than the radio man for New York Yankees, John Sterling.

Don’t ‘cha know that Spring Training isn’t just for the players; play-by-play men must get in shape too… and I’ve got a lot of work.  So many new players, so many new names, it’s hard coming up with something for them all and I can’t count on that screeching harpy to help out.  Okay, okay, settle down, you can do this.

Jacoby Ellsbury… Humph. Jacoby Ellsbury.  Elllllllllls Bury my balls at Wounded Knee! Uh, keep trying.  It’s another lawsuit, from Jacoby and Meyers!  Damn. If only we had a guy named Meyers…  It’s the Ellsbury Dough Boy, Poppin Fresh!  Ah, The Post did it first…  Jacoby jacked one off the wall!  Overover the wall!  Dammit, I’ll screw that up on the air… Ellsbury explains the Jacobirds and the Jacobees.  Too much.  I’ll have to come back to him.

Who are some of these guys?  What can I do with Slade Heathcott? Slades of Glory? Slade Runner? Heathcott Loves Lasagna? Wait, that was Heathcliff.  Wait, no, that was Garfield. Forget it… Hopefully he won’t hit any home runs.

Then there’s Zoilo Almonte…let’s see.  The mark of Zoilo!  It’s… Almonte Python’s Flying Circus!  Oh, these are practically writing themselves!

Zoilo_Almonte and Monty_Python Meet_The_Matts

Now Brian McCann shouldn’t be too difficult.  The McCandy Man can?  You’re something sort of McCannish?  Boy, I had it good with Granderson…  McCan’t buy me love!  How about: HeMcCann, Master of the Universe!  Yes I McCann!  McCann of corn!  Uh… no, no, and no.  Well, maybe the first one.

Too bad I don’t do these for pitchers, because this Tanaka could be fun.  He’s built Tanaka Tough!  Ooh, or: Masa-you’re my Hero!  

Oh well, back to the boring position guys like… Brian Roberts.  Some of these could be used for McCann too, like: Brian, leaves them cryin’, or Brian sends it flyin’, or maybe Brian’s hot like cayenne.  You know, I could use another song. let’s stick with The Beatles:  He’s a man you must believe, helping everyone in need, no one can succeed like Doctor Roberts!

Now for Kelly Johnson. He shouldn’t be so tough.  Kelly Johnson goes Kelly Leak!  Hmm, put a pin in that one…  No More Tears!  Not bad.  Johnson is a Masters!  That’s a stretch.  Johnson is good, Van Johnson good!  A Mickey Rooney Simpsons reference probably isn’t the best idea.  But you know my Johnson is thick and hard like a diving board, with good suspension like a Honda Accord!  Now that’s just old school enough to work.  

John-Sterling-Yankees-Kitten-Bowl-Super-BowlCarlos Beltran… Okay, this is easy, right?  It’s a belt from Beltran… oy, too obvious.  He made like my father and took a Belt-tran to the ball… perhaps too much information.  It’s a Tran-legacy!  Shoot, nobody saw it.  That ball went long like Tran-tric sex… Hmm, America’s not ready for that.  Yet.  Think, damn you, think!  The Kitten Bowl wasn’t this tough.  I got it!   It’s a belt from Beltran!  Sterling, you’ve done it again!

Come tomorrow for Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson the Sandy Man can!

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About the Author ()

West Coast Craig reports from Hollywood with an endearingly laid back style. A happily married father of two little boys, WCC has an avocado tree in his yard, plays the hot corner in a "Valley" hardball league and always manages to take cool sports-related mini road-trips, often with his immediate clan. He hails from Oneonta, NY but has been "So very L.A." for twenty years, so his sports teams are the Yankees AND the Dodgers, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the L.A. Lakers and the Colorado Avalanche/Quebec Nordiques. WCC loves bacon-wrapped hotdogs and can touch his heel and his ear... with his hand.
  • DannyBax

    Haha. Very clever! How about Cagney for Roberts?
    -I see you there, Mr. Roberts!

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      This is vintage West Coast Craig… And good call on Mr. Roberts!

    • WestCoastCraig

      Nice! A Cagney reference is right in Sterling’s wheelhouse.

  • Cheesybruin

    Bruins 6, Rangers 3
    Happy Belated Birthday to this guy…

    • Big Blue 56

      The Rangers can’t beat the Bruins right now. They are too big. It was like pilot fish around a shark or a whale.

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        You’re right, Big Blue 56 – or should we call you L.T.??? But we’re not ready to concede to Cheesy Bruin or his den-izens (see what we did there?) in Beantown. These Rangers have some grit and once the Callahan situation is ironed out, look for them to get back on a hot streak.

  • jgclancy

    Loved this WCC. You had us at screeching harpy.You made Sterling interesting for once!Not an easy feat!
    Rangers lost and I don’t think there was enough blood on the ice to appease Angry Ward but it’s hockey four months before the playoffs so no one really cares.
    Cookie, Sandra Bullock lost and Cate Blanchett won—so what do we get–her thanking that world renowned pervert Woody Allen that’s what. There was almost dead silence after she said his name—NICE!
    I’m off to CA tomorrow where the world of Mexican food awaits….and it will stop me from wondering about the March 27th unveiling of the Waffle Taco @ Taco Bell.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Until Hank started impersonating Mr. Magoo, it was a playoff-type game… Whoops, gotta go. Working on a Woody Allen shoot with our nieces and nephews.

    • Cheesybruin

      Somehow, I sense the waffle taco just doesn’t appeal to your gastronomic endeavors.

      • jgclancy

        But I have to try it.It actually seems like such a horrible idea!
        Like mustard on a burger. Like ketchup on pastrami. Like thanking Woody Allen for anything except the fact that he’s 78 and death isn’t too far off for him.

        • SAF

          Ketchup on pastrami?!? Feh!

          • jgclancy

            I had a friend start to do that once,SAF…I slapped him on the side of the head and made him move a seat away from me so I wouldn’t smack him again!

  • Mickey Rooknee

    Worst. Sports. Announcer. Ever.

  • AngryWard

    I commented earlier. Not sure what happened. This was great, WCC. The Ellsbury stuff had me rolling. I am dreading something like Bri-Bri goes Bye Bye.

    • WestCoastCraig

      oof, On Breast Cancer Awareness Day it’ll be Pinky and the Brian.

    • jgclancy

      AW–my comment vanished yesterday as well. Tell Short Matt to shell out another 53 cents and upgrade to Disqus.2
      AW–WCC’s column today was a good read from start to finish. Bravo WCC…you get a bacon wrapped hot dog for this one

      • Aaron Hernandez

        Clancy wants to get you a bacon wrapped hotdog?? You definitely don’t want one of those where I come from….

        • jgclancy

          Aaron…all you’ll have from now on are Coney island whitefish in that cell :) enjoy

  • Different Matt

    Just thinking about listening to Sterling call a game gives me a headache.

    • WestCoastCraig

      take two aspirin and find a Vin Scully tape.

      • Different Matt

        Sterling would give aspirin a headache.

        • Cookies Corner

          Indeed. Sterling we are dreading. Jacoby.. we can’t wait for.

  • bosoxbruin04

    Is Suzyn Waldan screeching harpy??? Too funny! Go Bruins. ;)

    • Cookies Corner

      She was yours first bosoxbruins04. (I’m not sure what that says about the NY market that we took her with open arms. YEESH!!)

  • Twinkle toes

    Hahaha!

  • Baby

    Love this!

  • James

    The Gumbys!

    • WestCoastCraig

      Almonte uses an aftershave called semprini.

  • Junoir Blaber

    May, just way watch a yanks game this year

  • Junoir Blaber

    Great article WCC!

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