By Rex O’Rourke

The Mayo Clinic – Let’s face it. It is one stressful sports world. It’s stressful for the players, management, fans, media, and ownership. Everyone and his brother right down to the peanut vendors have stress. People in the spotlight, especially stars, have endless requests for their time, travel more and more, battle paparazzi, and in the case of Erin Andrews, even endure peeping toms; yet still have to perform at a high level. Deadlines loom, batting averages fall, ERA’s rise, injuries mount, bottom lines bottom out, and only a precious few escape unscathed. Fans now get fleeced by PSL’s, endless rain delays, soaring ticket prices, and indifferent play by the very heroes they pay to support.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we all could use a little help. In searching the world wide interweb for the most popular drugs, several seemed perfect for some of the aches and pains that the modern sports world gives us. These are all actual drug names. And no, I’m not a doctor and I don’t play one on TV. Think of it as Rex’s Rx!

  • Clonidine – Only used in the very rare instance that you give up two grand slams to a pitcher (7/3/66) in the same game.
  • Cymbalta – Take two of these little beauties any time an athlete/athletes try their hand at music. Take the whole bottle when Paul O’Neill plays drums in a shirt and tie.
  • Norvasc – Take two pills every four hours the minute The Chargers make the playoffs. They won’t help win the big one but at least you’re circulation will improve.
  • Prozac – Take one pill every time someone suggests the Cy Young winner can pitch for a last place team.
  • Skelaxin – An interesting drug. It works like “beer goggles” in reverse. Take two just before Sportscenter and Hannah Storm will look almost normal, as if she’s had a bowl of soup in the last three days.
  • Neurontin – Finally a pill for hockey fans. Take two before a Devils game and just like magic the neutral zone trap is compelling theatre.
  • Metformin – I think you know where this one is headed. Take two tablets every time the Mets make a base running error and then bash yourself in the shins with the Ed Kranepool model you got at “Bat Day 1978”.
  • Flexeril – A WWE favorite. Has Helped everyone from Ivan Putski to The Iron Sheik to The Ultimate Warrior look a little more ripped during interviews. By the way, is it me, or is Randy “Macho Man” Savage the only human that can talk while breathing in and not out?
  • Gabapentin – Ozzie Guillen… nuff said.
  • Until next week,

    P.S. I went 2-1 last week with the Boys, Titans, and the underwhelming Pats. This week bet the house and the children on the BILLS (-5) over the Bucs, the Vikings (-10) over the LIONS, and the JETS (+3.5) over the Pats.

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