NEW YORK, NY – It’s never too early to take a look around Major League Baseball and see what every team has been up to this winter. Sure there have been several high-profile trades and signings, but sometimes it’s those more subtle moves that can make or break a season. So, without further ado, here’s a quick swing around the league to see what’s shakin’.
Atlanta Braves: Signed Billy Wagner to a one-year pact, finally filling the noxious, gaseous, loudmouth, rednecky void left by John Rocker.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Acquired both Ian Kennedy and Aaron Heilman. This is not a joke.
Baltimore Orioles: In a long overdue move Orioles clubhouse maintenance finally removed the sex swing Anna Benson had installed just outside the shower area. Anna B. no longer swings with the O’s.
Boston Red Sox: After failing to land Jon “Bowser” Bauman from Sha Na Na, the Sox got the next best thing when they traded a greaser-to-be-named-later to Minnesota for Boof Bonser.
Bud Selig: The commissioner announced a very important bowel movement just before Christmas. To honor this achievement, the Milwaukee Brewers plan to erect a statue of the commish sitting on his throne entitled Bud Bowl. The statue will be unveiled as part of Opening Day festivities.
Chicago Cubs: Traded Milton Bradley to Seattle for Carlos Silva and Washington State Penal-league mainstay Gary Leon Ridgway, known by his more colorful professional name, “The Green River Killer.” While the Cubs will most likely release Silva, they feel that Ridgway gives them a player with an obvious killer instinct as well as a guy with a nifty nickname, which they’ve been lacking since the days of Leon “Bull” Durham, Ryne “Ryno” Sandberg, and Andre “The Hawk” Dawson.
Chicago White Sox: After losing relief pitcher Jimmy Gobble to Colorado, the White Sox wasted no time in getting their hands on J.J. Putz.
Cincinnati Reds: The Reds came thisclose to dealing Pat Zachry back to the Mets for Razor Shines and The Matts.
Cleveland Indians: The Indians signed reliever Saul Rivera to a minor league deal because they were intrigued by his Juan Epstein-like name.
Colorado Rockies: Hey, we already told you they got Jimmy Gobble. Isn’t that enough?
Detroit Tigers: The Tigers made a big Coke deal with the Yankees.
Phil Coke or, as he was known on the Yankees, “Snowman.”
Florida Marlins: Made no deals of note. The club did, however, announce that they plan to win the World Series next year.
Houston Astros: In an effort to make themselves more Canadian-friendly, the Astros claimed Jason Bourgeois off waivers from the Brewers and inked Shane Loux to a minor league pact.
Kansas City Royals: Announced that Zack Greinke will pitch on two-days rest in 2010.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: The Angels need that Edward James Olmos dude to teach them some calculus because Fernando Rodney + Joel Pineiro + Hideki Matsui minus Chone Figgins, John Lackey, and Vlad Guerrero, just don’t add up.
Los Angeles Dodgers: We wouldn’t dare report on this without West Coast Craig’s insider info. Craig?
Milwaukee Brewers: Signed Lenny to a two-year extension, gave Squiggy his outright release.
Minnesota Twins: New year. New stadium. They had to let R.A. Dickey go. You can’t be Dickey-ing around at times like these. He was happily snatched up by the Mets who were lacking a Putz.
New York Mets: Acquired the aforementioned Dickey as well as Jason Bay. Omar Minaya is currently sitting on Dickey and Bay, wasting time. What would Otis say about the Mets? “Looks like nothing’s gonna change.”
New York Yankees: Failed to pick up the option on Kate Hudson’s vagina. Big mistake.
New Zealand All Blacks: Josevata Rokocoko has left the club in order to pursue a career in baseball. His new agent, Scott Boras, wasted no time in adding several syllables onto his name for endorsement opportunities (*see final entry) and signing him to a multi-year deal with the Washington Nationals where he will be their starting first baseman.
Oakland Athletics: Signed OF Gabe Gross, formerly of Tampa Bay. We kinda hope he looks like the weird kid from Real Genius. Real Genius Mitch Taylor as played by Gabe Jarett, alongside that Kilmer guy from Top Secret.
Philadelphia Phillies: Basically they signed Roy Halladay, who is a doppelganger for the guy who played Hans Klopek (aka Pinocchio) in The Burbs.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Have invited several Somali pirates to Spring Training.
San Diego Padres: The Padres announced that they will be installing confessionals at Petco Park, open to all denominations.
San Francisco Giants: Have named Victor Conte as their new trainer.
“You say you’re injured? Just rub some dirt on it. ‘The Dirt’ of course, being my new HGH-rich mud treatment.”
Seattle Mariners: Not much off-season activity for the M’s unless you include the signing of Chone Figgins, trading for Cliff Lee, and locking up Felix Hernandez to a multi-year deal as anything all that important. The aforementioned Milton Bradley was brought in to add some drama. Director Cameron Crowe has signed on to document the upcoming season in a film he is going to call either Play Anything or Singles… Doubles, Triples, and Homers.
St. Louis Cardinals: Matt Holliday is a very rich outfielder for the Cardinals, which is something that writers for this site never get.
Tampa Bay Rays: The Rays have hired Raymond J. Johnson, Jr. to be their new mascot.
Texas Rangers: The team announced that all home night games this year will include a concert by Night Ranger. All female fans making a Sister Christian Abstinence Pledge prior to the game will receive free tickets.
Toronto Blue Jays: The Jays traded stalwart Roy Halladay to the Phillies but moved quickly to find a suitable replacement, inking Lance Broadway (yes, “the” Lance Broadway) to a minor league deal.
Washington Nationals: The Nats announced the signing of former rugby player, and new Scott Boras client, Josevatampex Rokocokocola to a long-term deal.
That’s all for the off-season updates. The rest of the moves are nothing but window dressing. Look for our Spring Training Scandal Sheet in a few weeks.