CORNER CONFESSIONAL, LOCAL BAR – Oddly enough, I find myself writing my bi-weekly column and it’s related to religion – again. This is extremely odd since my last name means heathen or someone who is non-religious. I know, hard to believe from a gal with Cookie as her moniker. Even stranger is the fact that I’m half Jewish, half Puerto-Rican – insert Welcome Back Kotter’s Juan Epstein reference here – AND am writing about Lent. For the record: I look nothing like Mr. Epstein; The ethnic mix is where it ends people.
As I understand it, the Forty Days of Lent (which end with Easter), is a period inn which people abstain from certain foods and/or activities and/or give up certain vices, all in the name of penance and getting oneself closer to God. Oh, yes… That all makes perfect sense. Give up something for forty days, and then gorge yourself on it afterward. Wrap that up with a nice big helping of jelly beans, Peeps and chocolate. When they pry the nails out of Jesus’ hands and get him off the cross, he’d sure be PROUD.
PEEPS: Sinners Indulge!
But for shats and giggles, I’m going for it this year. Never having done the Lent thing, and being a natural Type-A overachiever, I’ve decided to give up no less than TEN things for lent. That’s right… ten. Beat THAT Catholics!
#1 Mentioning A-Rod & Cameron Diaz, The New & Utterly Perfect Couple: I’ve told you people before on these boards a few times and no one has made a peep about it. Seems that the PERFECT match for A-Rod has been found in Cameron Diaz. As a reminder, Cameron can’t stay with one person for more than five minutes and there is no one she looooooves more than herself. Cammie and A-Rod should last a really long time because they’ll be too wrapped up in themselves to realize their mate isn’t paying any attention to them. Okay, folks: That’s it on them until after Lent. They will last at least until then. SIDENOTE: She’s dated Justin Timberlake and Matt Dillon. Eww. Of course she’d date A-Rod.
#2 Yankee Joe: Oh, Yankee Joe… how you broke my heart. You made ovations to me, only to give away a prized Yankee halter top and mini skirt to Angry Ward. Trust me, I’ve got better gams than him and now you’re just going to have to wait forty days and wonder.
#3 Harping For MTM Writer’s Summit: How long have we been asking for this? A year? When was the last one? 1986? I think Gary Carter was there and The Matts, who then had hair, made him pick up the tab for that one. All speculation by me of course… I was too young to remember.
How timely. This commercial could be recast with Lower C
#4 Arguing About The DH: You all know who you are (Sam’s-A-Fan). Listen up: I’m not partaking for the next forty days. Are DH’s overpaid, overinflated (literally) players who couldn’t field a ground ball if it smacked them in the balls? Sure. Should every player be able to bat AND play a position? Yes. But if that were the case, then pitchers should not be swapped out for the Pinch Hitter. Talk to me when we resolve that bit. Until then… Zip It.
#5 Flipping Off Idiot Drivers on the sly when my infant Cookie is in the car: This one is going to be PRETTY tough. I mean, the infant cookie turned one on New Year’s Eve. (Insert applause for my ability to garner the Cookie family an additional tax deduction during the final hours of 2008.) Right now, he’s got Mama, Dada, and Baba, which could mean my mother – Bubbie – or that he’s the next Ricky Ricardo and practicing his Babaloo! Who knows.) Stands to reason that if I use some colorful language, he might catch on. So, I’ve resolved to flipping the bird, but I’m thinking I’d better practice not doing it lest he pick it up and resemble that Red Sox infant who’s picture was up here a few weeks ago on MeetTheMatts.com.
#6 Sofia Vergara: Sorry fellas, I just must stop using her fine likeness as a cheap draw for my column. Yes, you can still see her on ABC’s Modern Family and Angry Ward will continue to pursue her for a MTM Jello Wrestling Match, but I’m leaving her be for forty days. My parting tip for you on this one is: Google Image Search is your FRIEND.
Speaking of Angry Ward:
#7 Complementing Angry Ward for GENIUS and always-STELLAR frogging columns on Wednesday: He’s always good. He always comes up with something fresh and fun for us to look forward to in the middle of the week. And THAT, my friends is why they pay him the BIG bucks here at MeetTheMatts. Between the post and the always appropriate and complimentary media, he takes the time and care to put into his posts, there’s just no better than Angry Ward.) Me? I’m getting tired of singing his praises every Wednesday. If for no other reason than sounding like a broken record, I’m giving that up for the next forty days. Angry can take that as a challenge too. If he makes me compliment him during Lent, I’ll buy him the finest bottle of Old Grandpappy Scotch. More than likely, he’s given that up for Lent, though. Sexy Rexy O’Rourke can feel free to insert the over/under on that one here.)
#8 Talking About Tiger and his Tail/Tale: Today, there is a BIG press conference Tiger Woods is having. Speculation is (duh) that he’s going to again apologize for his transgressions and announce his return to golf. I’m sorry, is anyone SHOCKED by this? Didn’t I call this after the scandal broke? I called it as January but still…give me credit. Regardless.. Done. Over. And in forty days, all the media hype will be over, too. Any Perkin’s waitresses who got banged like a screen-door on a double-wide trailer in a hurricane can now rejoice.
#9 Insulting Texas: This one’s for you Dr. Diz. For everything you’ve posted about Texas, I’m still not convinced it doesn’t SUCK macka-hiya-ding-ding. In fact, that video/song We’re From Texas you posted awhile back made me dislike Texas even MORE. It was just silly. Why do I dislike Texas? Houston is a dirty pit, Dallas is slightly cleaner but a poor excuse for a city, San Antonio has NOTHIN’ but the Riverwalk (which is a bore after five minutes) and Austin is the cool… but not much cooler than any quasi-crunchy college town. The Alamo? I’ve seen sheds bigger and more impressive than it and I feel confident there are some Texas cow-pies bigger than it, too. Then there’s their professional sports teams and the fact that the likes of Ross Perot and Jerry Jones are the state’s pride and joy. Pfft! This will be a tough one, but I’ll power through.
#10 Dreaming What That Full Robbie Alomar Interview Looks Like: At this rate, I’m thinking by the time The Matts get that video up of the interview with Robbie Alomar, he might already BE in the Hall of Fame. (By my estimate of Matt-time, on the 3rd or 4th try.) Did Bernard Kerrick take that thing to the clink with him?!? I’m dying to know… and I’m a Yankee fan.
Well, that’s it for me. Nothin’ doin’ here except waiting for the next snow storm to hit on Monday, which is when I’ll be opening a vein in a nice, warm bath. But before that, I’ve got my Tivo set to record Be Good Johnny, which is a reality show about our favorite Olympic spinning fairy, Johnny Weir. Check out the promo spot below. He’s so poofy, he makes me feel masculine by comparison. I haven’t seen the show yet, but am VERY excited at the prospect. If you’re tired of watching skiers crash and dudes sweeping ice and calling it a sport, you can find it (where else) on the Sundance Channel.