PieÅ¡Å¥any, Slovakia – We’re here at the famous ancient spa, trying to get in shape and hoping to bump into former NHL star and current Bratislava resident, Ziggy Palffy. Ziggy, who does not play guitar, is very fit. In fact at 37, he was fit enough to represent his country in the Olympics and nearly came away with a Bronze Medal, if it weren’t for those damn Finns. This, of course, took place after he retracted his vow to never again play with Team Slovakia. He’s kind of like the Brett Favre of Eastern Europe in that vein, just not as annoying. But it’s Palffy’s fitness, along with Angry Ward’s column: Gym Dandies and our latest attempt to look great in our thongs, that got us thinking about fat people (other than us) and ultimately, about our Favorite Fat Athletes!
John Kruk. David Wells. Tony Gwynn. They are such obvious choices that they are basically now cliches for the 6-pack challenged professional athlete. And waddling right along with them, taco for taco, is Sir Charles Barkley. So, we’ll get that quartet out of the way and give you a couple of our sleeper selections.
Antonio “Six Fingers” Alfonseca. What’s got 6 fingers, no abs and made more than $15,000,000.00 in 11 years doing as little as possible in a job that requires very little??? Why it’s Mr. Alfonseca, Silly Goose! This guy’s great! He’s still trying to pitch, he’s got six digits on his left hand, he’s filthy stinkin’ rich and he’s built like David Wells – today’s David Wells! In the age of personal trainers, body-building stimulants, performance enhancers and body fat meters, Al-Fonzie is kicking it old school. We’re talking aging-Mickey Lolich old school. This guy’s great. You hear us, Omar??? Sign him to an El Duque deal, ahora!
Don’t argue, the guy is fat. He’s a couple of pizzas away from UBG (Under Belt Gut). You know the one we’re talking about – the one Bill Parcells, Romeo Crennel, Rex Ryan and Charlie Weiss have so fashionably showcased on NFL sidelines. Yes, Phil did lose a ton of weight a couple of years ago, but he’s packing it on again. And to honest, while we consider golf to be as much a sport as Curling, we can’t help but feel a tad disgusted with a guy that could challenge Tiger on a regular basis if he opted for a salad once in a while. John Daly, by the way, was too easy a choice.
Prince Fielder. Speaking of salads, Cecil’s boy is allegedly a vegetarian. That’s right, the junior Fielder is the Prince of Produce! We use the term allegedly, because most of the vegetarians we know are somewhat svelte. Replacement Matt, for instance, is a strict vegetarian and has no problem veggin’/chillin’ in his Speedo. No really. He does… Different Matt won’t go near him.
But dwell on that image later so we can wind this up with our Favorite Fat Athlete:
Oliver Miller. How does one not get in shape playing full-court basketball, 7 days a week, 9 months out of the year with super-fit professional athletes chasing you around?! That is a question for our favorite Ollie not named Perez to answer. For cripe’s sake, the guy has Oprah Arms (MTM trademark pending). He tried diets. He tried playing in the desert; Phoenix. He tried playing in the NBA’s Siberia; Toronto. He played in Greece. He even played in Harlem! The Globetrotters released Miller for “…showing no appreciation for what it takes mentally and physically to be a Harlem Globetrotter.” You see, folks? Nothing, absolutely nothing, could keep poor, deprived Oliver from repeatedly uttering his all-too-familiar:
- “Please, Sir… I want some more.” -Oliver
Chew on that, Mattville… Cookie’s Corner, or a a facsimile thereof, tomorrow. Oh, and if you’re having trouble blocking out Replacement Matt sitting opened-kneed on your couch in his Speedo banana hammock, try staring at Serena Williams 2012 or Antonio Alfonseca’s six fingers… P.s… Thank you, Ziggy Palffy, wherever you are.
Serena 2012 resembles William “The Refrigerator” Perry.