NEW YORK, NY – Cookie here. Another two weeks pissed away. It’s still winter and I’d like to behead, skin and EAT that f*cking groundhog for that “early spring” call. But wait! It gets BETTER… While you late birds are reading this (not the early birds: people with kids and/or drinking problems), I’ll be having my remaining three wisdom teeth yanked outta my head. Good times. And while extractions are on my mind, I thought it’d be perfect to review my Top 10 Sports & Celebrity Extractions; people that should be extracted from our world. Let’s review!
10) The entire cast of The Apprentice. This season, past seasons, future seasons and it’s liver-lipped freak host, Donald Trump, all need to be extracted from the Earth. Seriously, LaToya Jackson? Gary Busey? Dennis Rodman? Brett Michaels? Insert Any-Washed-Up-Country-Star here – except dead Mindy McCready. Can anyone tell me why ANY of these people need to be on TV, much less, this planet?!
9) Matt Leinart: Oh… Wait. He’s already been extracted… Never mind.
8) Johan Santana: The Latin Lefty is poised to start the season on the DL… again. Pull the plug kids. He’s thirty-four, which is like ninety-four in pitcher/dog years – and 167 in El Duque years – and already busted up. Time to go. The dream must die Mets fans. This will not end well. Ever.
7) Ray Lewis: If you don’t know why, you haven’t been paying attention.
6) Justin Bieber: Is there ANYONE over the age of twenty who likes Justin Bieber? He’s responsible for tons of teenage and prepubescent kids having their hair all mop like and brushed in their face. West Coast Craig’s mini-West Coasters don’t do this only because of their otherwise-mellow daddy’s death threats… And now Bieber’s slandered my Lindsay Lohan. The kid has no talent. The kid gets press for being “bullied” (see below) and we’re supposed to feel sorry for this little, talentless, millionaire TWAT?!? Extract please. One way ticket to deep space.
5) Speaking of deep space… Did anyone see that last Men In Black movie? Me neither. I single-handedly blame Will Smith for this. After the first MIB, he was responsible for ruining the series – by being in it, and I wanted to gouge my eyes out watching I,Robot. The only person more annoying than him is…
4) Mrs. Will Smith/Jada Pinkett Smith: She’s in the press this week for defending Justin Bieber. According to her, we’re all supposed to feel sorry for Biebs for being hounded by the media. She needs to be extracted. And that little girl/boy spawn she and Will made should go with her. Ticket for three. Deep space.
3) A-Rod. If you have no idea why, clearly you don’t like baseball.
2) NY Bricks (credit to Angry Ward): Here’s a hoops tidbit from me to you: If you’ve been watching the Knicks, you may wanna stop watching the NOW. Apparently the “Trio Grande’’ of Carmelo Anthony, Amar’e Stoudemire and Tyson Chandler all have knee issues. Ruh-roh. Send these three amigos down to Mexico and slap some tequila and booty on it. I’m sure they’ll be just fine.
1) Kevin Youkilis: No surprise. I’d really, really like Kevin Youkilis to be extracted from the Yankees… and from the Earth in general. I hate him. I really hate him. I hate him so much that I had his becoming a Bronx Bomber blocked out of my mind for MONTHS until a few weeks ago. That’s when NYPD Cookie reminded me about ‘The Hebrew Hammer.” I’m so ashamed he’s M.O.T. (You share in this “Oy vey!” with me Sam’s-A-Fan?) Alas, this cannot happen. A fellow Yankee fan made a VERY good point that he is now a highly valued part of the team. With all the injuries… the Yanks need Youk (which rhymes with “puke”). He’s the only player that can cover 1st and 3rd should the team continue to be injury-plagued. We’re depending on Youk… Extract me.
With that, I’m outta here… and so are three wisdom teeth. Come on back tomorrow for some more Meet The Matts, and Preacher’s Row tomorrow.