ST. LOUIS, MO – For those of you fortunate enough to tune in to CBS 2 News over the weekend, yours truly got to use up 30 seconds of my 15 minutes of fame. It was the biggest waste of 30 seconds ever. For some reason, whether it be a lack of creativity or simply workplace malaise, the news outlets run the stupidest, most obvious stories and I was one of the poor souls called upon to carry the banner for said stupid story.
Much as I tried to malign the reporter with smart ass comments, I somehow managed to make it to air. So what was the story you ask? Simple: They needed a few whining, complaining, wimpy New Yorker’s to say how frogging hot it was. Well no frogging shingles. It’s summer. This happens every year. It gets frogging hot. So why the Herschel Walker is that news? Me being me I said it wasn’t hot. You could have put me on the surface of the sun and I would have acted like I was in the Artic for this gumshoe reporter. So as an equally lazy journalist I am going to follow suit and get my Dan Fouts on by asking questions so dumb Short Matt might have a chance at answering them.
What the frog kind of team runs a promotion handing out team garden gnomes? I mean how bad does your team have to be that you don’t have one redeeming player that you can turn into a bobble head? I for one think the Mets after making an Ike Davis Bobble Head last year simply gave up. What is even more astonishing is that Short Matt found out that I have not one – but two – of these gnomes and is accosting me for one, as if it was the Holy Grail of sports memorabilia. Maybe the Mets know their ill conceived audience after all.
Why is Rex Ryan or anyone for that matter lining up in front of a herd of angry bovine simply for sport? My relationship with Justin Bieber makes more sense than this ludicrous event…. Call me Biebs…<3. Even more confounding is why doesn’t PETA like the event. It certainly isn’t cruel to the animals. It gives the pea-brained Omaha steaks a chance to trample and impale a few nitwit Spaniards in order to even the score. (I hear Rex is 95% lean ground chuck by now). In fact, if I ran PETA I would expand on The Running of the Bulls and create PETAlympics. Who wouldn’t tune in to sports like Big Cat Volleyball Pit, the 500 Meter Bloody Shark Swim, or my personal favorite the Rabid Dog Rodeo? Lets give the animal world a chance to even the score.
Why would anyone in their right mind ride a bicycle 2200 miles through the mountains in a country wherein a Quarter Pounder with Cheese is called a Royale with Cheese? First off, riding many people don’t put that many miles on their motorcycles in a year, let alone putting that on a bike over 2 weeks. Secondly what about a QP with cheese is Royal?
This leads me to my next dumb question: Why do stupid Europeans think it is OK to infringe on Independence Day with superfluous business agendas? In the case of the French I guess Independence doesn’t mean much considering their revolutions never stick, but I still would not be asking you to work on Bastille Day.
How much wood could a wood chuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I don’t know but Different Matt might. Stay tuned tomorrow to see.