New York, NY – We’re only two weeks into pro football and already this season stinks worse than a downtown honey-r0asted peanut vendor in mid-July. My Vikes are off to a flying start, having dropped their first two games to the two teams in their division they were hoping they were better than. Here in the Metropolitan area the Giants have a worse record than the Jets, which is really all you need to know. But the stench of this NFL campaign isn’t just limited to those two teams. There’s plenty of stink to go round. Open up those nostrils and take a whiff of the NFSmell.
The NFC Least. As I watched some horrible football being played this past Sunday I called up my friend the Cheeseman to talk about the state of the NFC’s Eastern Division. What was once one of the most feared and competitive divisions in football is now resembling some sort of sad, broken-down travelling circus. The aforementioned Giants have completely forgotten how to run and are giving footballs away like Michael Vick does herpes. Speaking of Ron Mexico, over in Philly Chip Kelly’s new blur offense has succeeded 100% in one area, and that’s in tiring out his own defense. The Eagles seem absolutely incapable of taking the foot off the gas, which can only lead to two things: running out of fuel or a horrendous crash. The Redskins are 0-2, have a starting QB who’s doctor get the nervous throw-ups every time he takes the field, and an owner and coach who are bound to do something stupid at any moment. The Dallas Cowboys? Are you kidding me? Along with losing to KC this past week, they have a swiss cheese defense, and guys playing on their offensive line who can barely manage the tasks of sitting and standing let alone blocking schemes. What else?
Tommy Knackered. In New England the genius, Bill Belichick, decided to try something new this season so he sent his all-everything QB Tom Brady out to play without a receiving corps. Why would you possibly want to re-sign Wes Welker? All he does is stay healthy and catch 100 balls a year. Meanwhile his replacement, Danny Amendola, couldn’t stay healthy if you covered him in bubble wrap and suspended him in zero-gravity. Watching Brady try to throw to a bunch of guys who couldn’t catch herpes from Michael Vick is painful. This is the NFL fer crissakes, can’t you come up with anyone who can play receiver?
The Steelers Suck. There, I said it. Did anyone watch the game this past Monday night? No? Neither did I. Steelers at Bengals? I’d rather watch Michael Vick give someone herpes. But seriously, it is kind of sad when a great and consistent organization like the Pittsburgh Steelers finally gets around to sucking. I’m not even sure that their fans will even know how to handle it. Anything can happen, really. They may even stop watching football on Sundays, put down their Iron City brewskis and French-fry-stuffed sammiches, and take up ballroom dancing or something. In the meantime, it’s probably best to stay out of Western Pennsylvania.
Insult to Injuries. What’s with all of the injuries already this season? Last time I checked you weren’t really allowed to hit your opponent anymore, unless it’s between the thighs and shoulders and only if they’re expecting it and if you triple-promise to bring them down to the playing surface in the gentlest way possible. Yet every time I pick up a paper (yes, I still read the paper) or check the web, there’s another big name heading to the injury report. What’s the point of watching these games if they look like they’re being played by a bunch of replacement players?
Let’s Call it a Season. Yeah, yeah, a lot can happen between now and New Year’s but it really looks like the Broncos and Seahawks are the best two teams in football. Why not just skip the preliminaries and play the Super Bowl right now? That way, no one needs to be worried about a snowstorm. Speaking of the Super Bowl, it was recently announced that Bruno Mars would be the halftime show. Bruno Mars? Are you kidding me? The game is being played in New Jersey! What, they couldn’t find any local acts to perform? They could have recycled Springsteen. How about Bon Jovi? Christ, dust of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons if you have to. The Sugar Hill Gang was out of Englewood. How great would that be? George Clinton, Donald Fagen, The Fugees, Blondie, Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs, Kool and the Gang… the list of acts with Jersey connections runs deep. Even Michael Vick’s herpes reportedly originated in the Garden State.
So, basically, this season has started out stinky and is going to end with Bruno “Stinkin'” Mars. Yipee! Are you ready for some football?
Come back tomorrow for a fresh-scented column from either Lori Levine or Cam James.