Angry Ward Wednesday: Suh, Bombers, Rodman and other Back to School Reading

Detroit Lions' Ndamukong Suh stands on the field during warms-ups of their NFL football game against the Chicago Bears in DetroitNEW YORK, NY – School’s back in session here in NYC and, from most accounts, Gotham is running at the back of the pack when it comes to getting our little monsters out the door and back behind their desks. Apparently, education is the one thing that New Yorkers are in no hurry to get to. Anyway, as my daughter starts Kindergarten, and she was super excited to do this (can she really be my kid?), it’s time to dust off some of the classics and ramp up the reading. We’ve read some of these titles so many times that I occasionally like to go off script and sprinkle some sports into the equation. Here’s a quick look.

Where the Wild Things Are. We all know about the night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind and another and eventually sailed off to hang out with a bunch of beasties, but where the wild things are this week is back on the football field. This Sunday Lions DT Ndamukong Suh roared his terrible roar, gnashed his terrible teeth, rolled his terrible eyes, and once again showed that he is still the king of all horrible NFL monsters, as he dove at Minnesota Vikings center John Sullivan’s knees (from behind, no less) during a Detroit interception return. Here’s hoping Roger Goodell sends Suh to bed without supper and suspends him for a couple of games as well.

Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Look, I like Dr. Seuss as much as the next guy, but this one tends to drag on a bit so I annotated it a smidge and made it about the New York Yankees up and down baseball season. Even their names lend themselves to Seussian prose. There’s C.C. and Grandy and Joba and Mo, Nova and Jeter and Cano dontcha know? This one has an upbeat ending as the Yankees decide not to go anywhere come October and instead go home to their families. In a lot of ways it’s quite similar to the Mets children’s classic, Goodnight Season.

James and Giant Peach Joe_Pisarcik Meet_The_Matts copyThe Giving Team. The New York Giants offense gives and gives and gives some more until there’s nothing left to give and the Dallas Cowboys finally beat them in Texas. A timeless tale of selflessness for young and old alike. For those interested in further reading on the same topic we highly recommend Joe Pisarcik and the Giant Fumble.

The Velveteen Rodman. Having long ago worn out his welcome in the States, ex-NBA nutball and all-around freak Dennis Rodman takes his tired act to North Korea where he tries to find relevancy by training the North Korean basketball team for the 2016 Summer Olympics. (*Note, this is really happening.) This delightful mash-up of the children’s story about an unwanted toy rabbit and the motion picture Fast Break is available only through Kimjongunazon.com.

The Snowy Day. The Ezra Jack Keats classic gets a modern update as two warm-weather professional football teams attempt to win a Super Bowl in a blinding February snowstorm in New Jersey. An easy read for kids as all of the pages are white.

OK, that’s all for now, I need to go cast my write-in vote for Short Matt for Comptroller. Come back manana for Lori Levine/Cam James.

 

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About Angry Ward 681 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.